They say you can go deep or wide in this whole blogging goodness. The “they” who said that are two bloggers I really admire and respect. (Amanda & Alissa) I’ve decided while going wide seems really fun, going deep seems more real to me. I’m not saying every one of my posts is going to be deep because, I’m ninety nine percent positive that wont be the case. But, “deep” is who I am.
If we were to sit and talk for hours it wouldn’t just be random talking. The subject might change but I like deep, heartfelt conversation. I like connecting and opening up and sharing tears + laughter. I recently found out when I took Lindsay’s class that this was part of my introvertness. I know that’s not a word but I’m using it anyway. Today, I’m going deep.
I talked about struggling with anxiety before on the blog. It isn’t fun and it down right sucks at times. Lately though, it seems like it is overdrive. Which in my opinion is ridiculous. My anxiety stems from fear. When I was in church a couple weeks ago, one week before my anxiety really started going haywire, the pastor quoted this scripture.
“If God is with us, who can stand against us?”
I’m pretty sure my heart did an audible thud as in to say, are you listening yet Cassie? And all I could think was how incredibly true that scripture is. So, why am I still afraid? I know why. I know where my fear comes from and I know I’m only human. I also know every time my fear starts giving me anxiety, that I feel like I’m letting God down.
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I’ve played Your Hands over and over with tears streaming down my face. I’ve felt guilty and ashamed for letting my fear take over me. I’m only human I tell myself over and over. It’s a heartbreaking beautiful struggle. I know God is with me, I know he is here and I know in my darkest moments that he is my light. Yet, I still struggle. I still fear and I still have anxiety.
“I have asked a thousand ways, that you would take my pain away.”
“When my world is shaking, heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands.”
That’s how I feel every time my anxiety comes into play. When I’m trying to catch my breath and the pain in my chest is rocking me to my core. I try to remind myself that I am in his hands. That he will forever hold me.
“I know you hate to see me cry”
I truly believe he does. I believe my pain and tears break his heart too.
Lord, if you are listening. I’m trying, please, don’t ever let me go.