Life or God, depending on your belief, throws the tests at you sometimes. The kind of tests that seem to be in a row and you are one hundred percent positive you are going to break under them. Lately, I feel like I’ve been tested, alot. I told my husband the other night that I felt like I was failing in so.many.areas. of my life. Motherhood – fail. Wife – fail. Believer – Fail, well, kind of fail. Balancing – major fail. Keeping all my shit together – epic fail. Blogging – faiiillll. Do you see the theme here? Yet, I feel like more tests just keep getting thrown at me. Oh, you thought we were done. Funny, here is another one, lets see how you do.
I have a love hate relationship with these tests. On the one hand, I don’t like them. They bend me. They sit on my shoulders. They break me. They break me to the point that I’m on my knees, praying my heart out as tears flow down my face. On the other hand, the shape me. They teach me. They prepare me to the next chapter of my life. They bring me closer to God, who wants me as close as he can get me.
While I am at a crossroads with these tests, I know they are needed. I need to be prepared for the next chapter life wants to throw at me. I need to be reminded of how blessed I am. I need to draw closer to the God who loves me.
We have been going to church quite regularly lately. I was even recently baptised. The songs that they sing pulse through me and seem to awaken something inside of me. Instead of silently whispering the songs as I use to do, I find myself singing, out loud along with the band. I find myself swaying to the rhythm and have even found myself raising my hands in the air. It’s a new feeling for me. I was not that person in church, but I am now and I am thankful for it. I am thankful for all God has given me and taught me and yes, I am thankful for all of the tests that he gives me.