Kage crawled into bed to snuggle with us. I love when one of my boys decides to snuggle and then falls asleep next to me. It’s the sweetest.
My favorite drink as of late. I love me some big red, especially when I’m sitting outside on a beautiful day. See those cute nails? You can view that tutorial here.
On our day spent outside where I experienced some mommy guilt even though it was a good day, we enjoyed some taco bell sitting in the back of the truck and the boys loved it. By the way, Kage could eat Taco Bell all the time for the nachos if I let him. Jay on the other hand, would live off McDonalds if he could.
I bought American Blogger and watched it the day it came out. I loved it so much!
Beautifying myself for taking pictures for showing off what I got in my Stitch Fix. These are some of my favorite products.
I finally bought a sharpie pen and I’m hooked. I need to buy a lot more asap!
One of my all time favorite snacks! I love me some watermelon!
I totally devoured this brownie and I have no shame.
The gorgeous roses from my moms rose garden. She cut a few off and sent them home with Jay after he stayed the night, to give to me. I love them and my momma is so sweet.
The shirt was so fun and I love the color, I just didn’t like how tight it was in the arms. I styled it with a necklace I bought from Caroline G.
Bracelets are from Kohl’s.
This was the top I kept. I love how loose it is and I love that it can be dressed up for a nice night out or worn casual. I especially love the lace and see through part of the top. I think it adds the perfect touch to the shirt.
Which one is your favorite?
Yesterday was a day meant to be spent outdoors. With my depression, lately I haven’t wanted to take the boys outside when it’s nice because I’ve just had no motivation to do anything. I talked about that in this post. Well, the medicine is slowly working and while I did have to force myself to take them outside to play, it wasn’t as bad as it has been the past few weeks and I’m actually happy I did it and the boys of course had a blast. We stayed out there way too late and they wound up staying up later than normal because we still had homework and reading to do before bedtime. It was worth it though and I’m hoping for many more days like yesterday in the near future.
Watching them laugh, play and be extremely giddy was wonderful, but at the same time made me feel bad. I know the depression isn’t my fault, but I know they haven’t been getting my full attention and we haven’t been doing a lot of stuff. I tried to make up for that yesterday by grabbing dinner and having us eat it in the back of the truck, which they thought was the best thing ever. Before we had grabbed dinner I told them that they had to clean up their mess in the living room and in the playroom before we went outside to play, but seeing how happy they were randomly eating dinner outside, I decided the cleaning could wait until afterwards. We wound up staying out until about thirty minutes before their regular bedtime so, it was a little hectic when we came back inside due to cleaning, homework and reading, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
I don’t care what I’m going through, watching my boys have fun and laugh, fills me up with so much joy. Today, I listened to them tell me stories about what they were drawing and Jay and I talked for a long time. Longer than we have in the past few weeks and it made me realize how much I’m missing because of this damn depression. I made a vow to myself though, that until this medicine fully works, I will do whatever possible to be able to see their faces light up like they did today and to hear the stories they tell me. I will try my hardest to be present and spend as much time with them as I can because, this depression has robbed me of time and I’m going to do what I can to not lose anymore time.
Step one: Place the tape where your tips end on one side and then take it across to where it ends on the other side. Try and keep it as straight as possible.
Don’t worry about getting paint on the tape.
Step four – Use a cotton swab and carefully clean up any paint that got under your nails or on your fingers.
Step five – Place the nail decals along the edge of the paint on your nails.
I also got these cute decals that I can’t wait to play around with. You can purchase the nail decals here and use code LLL0VE20 to get 20% off your order!
That’s it! Very easy and it makes your nails look a lot more cute! Even my husband said he likes them! Woo Hoo!
Kage and I sitting in the truck waiting for Jay to get out of school. We don’t sit in the truck very long before he gets out, but I love spending those few minutes with Kage and watching him be silly. // A sweet picture quote my sister in law sent me. That girl just gets me and loves me and I don’t know what I would do without her. // My mom and I cleaning up my nephew after he fell and smacked his head on the concrete. // Jay’s birthday dinner. This is one of my new favorite pictures.
I almost squealed out loud when I saw I got some IG love from Little Miss Momma. I’ve followed her blog for awhile now and I’ve always adored her. // Kisses from the birthday boy. // I love this picture I snapped of Kage. It’s a new favorite for sure. // The boys racing to the truck after we picked up Jay.
Everything taste better in a glass bottle. Especially fanta. I really wish I would have grabbed more of these. // I’ll be trying spark today for the first time. I’ve heard good things about it so I hope it works. // The boys sleeping in their tent the first night I put it up. They love it and pretty much want to sleep in it every night and we’ve pretty much been letting them. // My nephew H’s birthday cupcakes.
Kage trying to touch the rain. By the way, if you don’t have this app. You need to get it asap. I love playing around with it. // The boys Easter baskets. I filled them to the brim with goodies instead of candy. There was only two candies in there and they didn’t care at all. #winning // The Easter bunny hid their Easter baskets in their tent. They absolutely loved those huge bunnies. // Kage hunting Easter eggs at H’s birthday party.
Kage & his cousin coloring at my nephew’s birthday party. They are such great little buddies. // There were so many kids at my nephew’s party and my little sister put together a ton of eggs so, my mom’s front yard was completely covered in eggs.
Our adorable boys on Easter. I love them to pieces and I’m surprised they actually agreed to let me take a picture! // The camo decorations at my nephew’s party. My sister did a great job! // I’m finally decorating the walls in our home. You can see the first one here and I finally got around to doing another one. I pretty much love it. // Playing spider man Chutes and Ladders with my boys.
My sweet little Kage doing his favorite thing ever, coloring. That little boy is an artist and I love it. // Jay giving daddy hugs. This picture completely melts my heart.
My mom and Kage arm wrestling. // I love this car. I’m calling it the Titanic car. The old man who owns it was so sweet and proudly was showing it off. // The boys playing a game on the ps3. // The boys and I playing a game.
What little moments have you been focusing on lately?
I keep getting told I’m going to get through this. To just hang in there because this will eventually pass. I know it will, I know I will make it through this too. It’s just trying to make it through that is the hard part. It’s the holding on and fighting through it that is the hard part. It’s the forced smiles and forced laughs that’s hard. It’s the way I feel inside that I can’t even explain that’s hard. It’s looking around and wondering if I’m ever going to get back to normal, if I’m ever going to be able to do anything without forcing myself to do it that’s hard. Writing has always helped me before and I’m hoping writing will help me this time too, even if I have to force myself to do it.
Fighting this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I know I’m strong enough to get through it.
The thing about depression though, is that it’s like fog. It slowly starts to creep in. It’s small things at first that you may not even notice until more things start happening and then it hits you all at once and you just can’t believe it. I started noticing that I was tired a lot. Like, annoyingly tired and it was getting on my nerves. I noticed my emotions were weird. I either felt like flying off the handle or crying over nothing. I noticed my lack of appetite. Everything just seemed to be changing and then I found myself engulfed in it. I found myself not wanting to do anything. I didn’t want to blog. I didn’t want to read or write. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I wanted to stay in my PJs and curl up on the couch. I noticed that I had to force myself to clean. I had to force myself to get things ready for Jay’s birthday party. I had to force myself to go to the grocery store. I had to force myself to get ready for the day.
I’ve found myself just wanting to cry. I am fighting back tears several times a day. I feel an utter sadness. A sadness that just surrounds me and takes over. My life has changed and I don’t know if it will ever be back to normal. I don’t know if I will ever be myself again before the back pain started and I think that is what caused the depression, as well as not being able to do all the things I listed above. I have mini panic attacks when I think about the fact that I’m twenty five years old and I begin to wonder if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like. Monthly doctor visits, medicine, pain, having to fight through the pain to do the things I want to do. I wonder if this is how it’s going to be and it scares the living shit out of me. I never wanted to be depressed. I’m the type of person that looks for the Bright side of everything. Even when my back first got messed up, I was counting my blessings instead of being sad and now, I’m still counting them, but the pain of depression surrounds me right now.
This life is hard. Much harder than I ever imagined. I know I’ll get through this. I know I’ll pull myself out of this mess whether my back gets fixed or not, it’s just going to take time and I’m trying. I know I’ve got the lord’s strength to help me. “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13
I was talking to my best friend about this. I told her I feel like I’m failing at life right now. EVERYTHING is slipping through the cracks because of this depression. She informed that I was in fact “not failing and that life is hard and it took courage to seek help instead of ignore the problem.” I’m trying to believe her. When I told her that I was pissed off at myself for being depressed because there are worse things to be depressed about, she told me “that was bullshit. That people who have never been depressed use that as a cop-out.” She gave me encouraging words and I love her for that. She knew the right things to say and I love knowing she is here for me. Thank you Elle, from the bottom of my heart. To all of you who commented on my IG – thank you so much. All your words touched my heart and the out pouring of love and support has made me cry. I’m so thankful for each of you.
If I don’t blog as much or comment as much. If I seem distant or not myself. Just know I’m here and I’m just trying to pull myself out of this and get back to me.
You turn six years old today. How do I even begin to describe what you have done to my life these past six years? How do I even begin to describe the absolute joy you bring to my life? You made me a momma. I remember being so scared, I remember thinking that motherhood was going to be impossible. Sometimes it still is, but you make it all the more worth it. I thank God over and over that he blessed me with you. You are such an amazing little boy. You are growing up right before my very eyes and as I write this, I’m fighting back tears. It’s crazy how times flies. I feel like just yesterday I was holding you in my arms for the first time and all of a sudden I blinked and your six.
I want you to know I’m so proud of you, daddy and I both are. You are one of the best students in your class. Your teacher seriously brags about you all the time and it makes my heart swell. You have the sweetest soul I’ve ever seen. You believe in being nice and standing up to those who pick on you and others. You believe in peace above all else. Your love of God amazes me on a daily bases.
Your headstrong too. You and I but heads quite a bit, it’s not surprising and I kinda like it. It shows me that you know what you want and you will stand up for what you think is right or what you believe. You are a little storyteller. I love listening to you tell me whatever story has popped into your head. You have the funniest expressions and your eyes hold all of your emotions. Those beautiful blue/green eyes that holds depths of love. You are a wonderful big brother. You and Kage fight a bit, but at the end of the day, he’s your best friend and you would give anything for him and that is so amazing to see at six years old.
I could say so much more. Like how your laugh fills the room or how when you dance around the living room, energy radiates off of you like the sun. You bring joy wherever you go and it’s beautiful. I want you to always keep the important parts of you. Your selfless at six baffles me and I hope you hold onto it. Your sweetness, your honesty, your faith… hold onto it all. More than anything, hold onto the fact that you are beyond loved because love, it fills a person up and Jay, it flows out of you in waves. We love you so much and we are so proud of the wonderful boy you are.
We had your birthday party over the weekend and you had an absolute blast. We had a Disney planes theme birthday party. You were surrounded by friends and family that love you so much and I can’t wait to celebrate your birthday some more today!
I love you Jay, always and forever.
I’m so disappointed with blogging lately. Maybe that’s why I’ve unintentionally taken a step back. I’ve seen the snark, the cattiness, the jealously and the hate. It’s disgusted me and it’s made me question this community that I’m supposed to be a part of. American Blogger seems to have added fuel to this hate flame and it caught fire and it caught fire fast. Personally, I don’t care whether you are thrilled to see the movie or against it. I don’t care if you are jealous of it or you just think it’s ridiculous. I don’t care if you love all the women who were filmed or dislike every single one of them. What I do care about, is the pain that comes with all of this hate.
With everything going on, I feel like I just stepped through time and found myself in high school again. All you ever hear is how blogging is this “wonderful” community. How women uplift and inspire other women. How there is so much love to be found in this community. Where is that now? What the hell happened to that community? If all it takes is a 2 minute trailer featuring bloggers, to cause this community to fall, I would say it wasn’t very strong to begin with.
YOU have a right to your opinion.
YOU have a right to feel hurt.
YOU have a right to ask questions.
YOU have a right to use your voice in whatever way you choose.
Just keep in mind, when you think it’s okay to use YOUR VOICE for hate, you wind up putting words out in this world that can NEVER be taken back and no matter what, people will always remember your words.
These bloggers aren’t celebrities who don’t give two shits what you think. No, these bloggers are writers like you and me, they are sharing their story. They care and I can only imagine all the pain that is circulating between everyone right now over a freaking two minute trailer. Just, next time you are ready to lash out because you’re mad, remember this…
Because hate doesn’t do anyone any good. Hate simply breeds more hate. You can voice an opinion or disagree in a respectful way without putting more hate into this already hate filled world.