Images and memories flash through my head of the fun things I got to do with Jay and his class in Kindergarten and first grade. The laughter, the joy on his face every time I showed up for a fun event or to each lunch with him, the talks we had walking to the car each day after school about how his day was; they fly through my head, one image after the next. Tears pool in my eyes as each memory flashes through my head, giving me a taste of what I’ll miss this year. I was able to make two years worth of school memories with Jay. Memories he still talks about and memories I cherish. The mommy guilt is crushing me as I think I won’t get a third year of school memories like before with him because I’m now a working momma. The mommy guilt nearly suffocates me as I think about Kage started Kindergarten and all the things I did with Jay, I won’t be able to do with him.
It’s hard enough that two of my boys are going to be in school this year. Two of them are going to be learning, making friends, needing lunches, having homework, and doing reading; on top of working and taking care of twins, a home, and a blog. But none of that stresses me out more than knowing I’m letting him down. Kage knows I had lunch with Jay as often as I could, there were times he was even there, and I won’t be able to do that with him. He knows that I went to Jay’s school events that were during the day, as well as the ones in the evenings, and I won’t be able to go to those daytime ones with him. I don’t want to see the disappoint on his face when they ask me to eat lunch with them and I have to say no. I don’t want to see it when there is a class party, a fun run, or whatever else is going on, and I have to tell them I won’t be able to make it.
For some parents, these things aren’t that big of a deal to them, and that’s totally fine. Everyone has things in motherhood that they do and don’t do, that they like and don’t like; this is no different. I’m one of those parents though that really loved these type of things. I loved attending class parties, helping out in the class, surprising Jay with lunch. I know that these things are only for a short time because they are only this little once and just knowing I can’t experience that with Kage his first year of school is breaking me. Knowing I’ll have to let Jay down, hurts so damn bad.
I can only hope one day they’ll understand that I would give anything to be making those memories again this year. That it hurts mommy more than it upsets them that I’m not going to be able to be there. That I’m going to have to miss more than I ever wanted to. I know they will be upset not and they won’t really understand because they’re kids, but I hope one day they realize the sacrifice I made for them. I would do this all over again if I have to because I will always do what is best for my family and I don’t regret for one second stepping up when I was needed most, but I hope they know that I wish so much that things were different and that I wouldn’t have to be letting them down, that I wouldn’t have to be missing out this year, and most of all, that I wish things were different and I could be making memories with them this year.
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