Depression and Suicide

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Depression and Suicide

When I first found out about the passing of Robin Williams, I was incredibly sad. This man that has been in some of my favorite movies for years, was no longer alive. When I found out he took his own life, I was not only completely shocked, I was heartbroken. This “happy” man who had spent his career making people laugh, had committed suicide. However, it wasn’t until I saw the tweet from TheAcademy on Twitter, that I started crying. “Genie, you’re free.” It wasn’t long before I saw some of the anger and backlash about that little tweet. “Suicide is not freeing.” People cried in outrage. “It shouldn’t be looked at as freeing.”

I could see the point of why people were/are saying that and I can see why people were upset by it. It does make it sound like suicide would be a good thing for someone considering it because that person would be “free” from their pain. Yes, Robin Williams is now free. He is free from the pain, sadness, and hurt he felt. He is free from the demons he felt he couldn’t escape. He is free from whatever it was that was consuming him. We didn’t know his story, but he is free from those things. But…

His family isn’t free… His family isn’t free from wondering how they didn’t see it coming. They are not free from the pain of his loss. They re not free from wondering why he did it or how this could happen. They are not free from wondering if they could have done more. Suicide may have freed him from his pain, but he left behind a world of hurt, a world of questions. I was talking to my mom after I found out about this and I couldn’t help but wonder if someone could have done something more for him or if he was just too far gone. I don’t know his story, but when something like this happens, I can’t help but wonder if something more could have been done for him or for anyone who has taken their own life or tried to take their own life. Why did he feel like he had no way out? It’s not just him though, it’s anyone going through this… this being depression and suicidal thoughts. I’ve talked a little about my own struggle with mild depression. I’ve watched family members hurt themselves, some overcame it, and some didn’t. Never once did I turn a blind eye to it or act like it wasn’t a big deal. I’ve talked about depression with them, I’ve yelled, and I’ve cried out of frustration for wanting to help and feeling helpless.

Society however has made it seem like depression shouldn’t be talked about. People should take their meds and move on. They should “get over it” and “just be happy their alive.” If only it were that easy. People have also made depression seem like it’s not a big deal, “I’m so depressed I couldn’t get this new whatever.” “Ugh, I really wanted to do this, it’s so depressing that I can’t.” No, that kind of shit isn’t depressing, you might be sad over something so tiny, but you aren’t depressed about it. Depression is a term used too much, too loosely, and not taken seriously enough for those who do actually suffer from depression. I didn’t always understand depression before I had it, but I always tried to understand it. It wasn’t until I experienced it, that I fully understood it. This isn’t about me though, this is about you, about us, about society.

If you are struggling with depression, please talk to someone, anyone. Hell, email me, I will talk to you and you can trust me. We will email back and forth as many times as needed and as often as needed. I want you to know someone is here for you, someone cares, and someone will listen, even if it’s a stranger. You are NOT alone in this and you don’t have to go through this alone.

If you know someone with depression, Reach out to them and keep reaching out to them until they let you in. Let them know you are here for them and that they aren’t alone.

As a society, stop throwing the word depression around over nothing. As a society, we need to make it our mission to reach out to those who do suffer from depression. We need to smile and strike up a conversation with someone. Put the damn phone down and pay attention to people.

Everyone is fighting a battle that we know nothing about and your kindness could brighten someones day. Never forget that.

R.I.P. Robin Williams, you will be greatly missed.

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Trying to write through it

I keep staring at this blank screen trying to find the right words. I wanted to share this part of my story to help others, but how do I help others if I don’t even have the right words to say? How do I help others if writing is the hardest thing to do right now? I haven’t really opened up to anyone about how I feel. All most people know is that I’m depressed and they know why for the most part. I haven’t talked about what’s going on inside of me. I haven’t let the tears fall. I haven’t let anyone comfort me and tell me it’s going to be okay. I was talking to a friend last night and I told her that I was afraid to talk about this because if I start crying, I’m afraid I’ll never stop. A part of me feels like I can’t even cry though. I feel like there is no emotion inside of me. I feel empty and yet… I feel pain and sadness. I have rare moments of happiness, like when my boys do something silly and the smile comes naturally, but then the happiness fades almost as fast as it came and I’m back to feeling empty again. I have moments of anger. I know I need to get passed the anger, I’m so mad that I became depressed. I’m so pissed off that I’m struggling to pull myself out of this mess.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Trying to write through it

I keep getting told I’m going to get through this. To just hang in there because this will eventually pass. I know it will, I know I will make it through this too. It’s just trying to make it through that is the hard part. It’s the holding on and fighting through it that is the hard part. It’s the forced smiles and forced laughs that’s hard. It’s the way I feel inside that I can’t even explain that’s hard. It’s looking around and wondering if I’m ever going to get back to normal, if I’m ever going to be able to do anything without forcing myself to do it that’s hard. Writing has always helped me before and I’m hoping writing will help me this time too, even if I have to force myself to do it.

Fighting this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I know I’m strong enough to get through it.

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Depression really does hurt

I remember when the discs in my back first herniated. I remember crying and crying a lot. I remember being scared and wondering what was going to happen next. It’s been nine months since I found out. Nine months of my life changing so drastically. It’s been nine months of not being able to give my boys piggy back rides. Nine months of not being able to pick them up and carry them when they ask me to. Nine months of not being able to run around and play with them for more than five minutes at a time. Nine months of not being able to spin them around and hear their laughter pierce the air. There has been too much of me telling them, “Honey, I can’t do that right now.” Or “Baby, we will play in a little bit.” I haven’t been able to work out and I’m starting to gain weight because of it, not a lot, but to me… it’s noticeable. I haven’t been able to clean without hurting. I can’t sit for too long and I can’t stand for too long. I have to sleep in one position in bed. My husband has held me while I’ve cried and rubbed my back when I just can’t move. Nine months of all of that and so much more. I kept telling myself it was okay. My life changed, but IT’S OKAY because I have so many blessings. I may be in pain and I may not be able to do everything I want to do, but God has blessed me in so many other ways throughout my 25 years of life so far. I told myself there was no way in hell I was going to slip into sadness or depression. There was no way in hell I was going to let myself sink.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Depression really does hurt

The thing about depression though, is that it’s like fog. It slowly starts to creep in. It’s small things at first that you may not even notice until more things start happening and then it hits you all at once and you just can’t believe it. I started noticing that I was tired a lot. Like, annoyingly tired and it was getting on my nerves. I noticed my emotions were weird. I either felt like flying off the handle or crying over nothing. I noticed my lack of appetite. Everything just seemed to be changing and then I found myself engulfed in it. I found myself not wanting to do anything. I didn’t want to blog. I didn’t want to read or write. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I wanted to stay in my PJs and curl up on the couch. I noticed that I had to force myself to clean. I had to force myself to get things ready for Jay’s birthday party. I had to force myself to go to the grocery store. I had to force myself to get ready for the day.

I’ve found myself just wanting to cry. I am fighting back tears several times a day. I feel an utter sadness. A sadness that just surrounds me and takes over. My life has changed and I don’t know if it will ever be back to normal. I don’t know if I will ever be myself again before the back pain started and I think that is what caused the depression, as well as not being able to do all the things I listed above. I have mini panic attacks when I think about the fact that I’m twenty five years old and I begin to wonder if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like. Monthly doctor visits, medicine, pain, having to fight through the pain to do the things I want to do. I wonder if this is how it’s going to be and it scares the living shit out of me. I never wanted to be depressed. I’m the type of person that looks for the Bright side of everything. Even when my back first got messed up, I was counting my blessings instead of being sad and now, I’m still counting them, but the pain of depression surrounds me right now.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Depression really does hurt

This life is hard. Much harder than I ever imagined. I know I’ll get through this. I know I’ll pull myself out of this mess whether my back gets fixed or not, it’s just going to take time and I’m trying. I know I’ve got the lord’s strength to help me. “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

I was talking to my best friend about this. I told her I feel like I’m failing at life right now. EVERYTHING is slipping through the cracks because of this depression. She informed that I was in fact “not failing and that life is hard and it took courage to seek help instead of ignore the problem.” I’m trying to believe her. When I told her that I was pissed off at myself for being depressed because there are worse things to be depressed about, she told me “that was bullshit. That people who have never been depressed use that as a cop-out.” She gave me encouraging words and I love her for that. She knew the right things to say and I love knowing she is here for me. Thank you Elle, from the bottom of my heart. To all of you who commented on my IG – thank you so much. All your words touched my heart and the out pouring of love and support has made me cry. I’m so thankful for each of you.

If I don’t blog as much or comment as much. If I seem distant or not myself. Just know I’m here and I’m just trying to pull myself out of this and get back to me.

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