Day 23 of soul detox – The Good and The bad

I think I wrote down more for Day 23 then I have so far for any other day.

“The toxic lie so many of us believe is because everyone else does it, it’s okay for us and won’t harm us.”

This is good for me.

In real life I have never been one to really follow the crowd. In highschool I was friends with all types of people in all types of “groups.” When someone was making fun of someone else I didn’t join in even thought it would have upped my “cool status.” I just wasn’t and still am not for certain things and that has been one thing I have always liked about myself. I’ve always been different that way and I have always been okay with that. I don’t like doing what you’re “suppose” to do.

This is also my downfall for two reasons.

One I don’t go to church for this reason because it’s what you’re “Suppose” to do and what every person who believes in God that I know does. I’ve always felt lie my time with God is my time and I like worshiping with people I know instead of strangers. My relationship with God is personal unless I want to share it. But I think not going to church stems from not following the crowd.

Two this blog. I follow the crowd with this blog more than I should. It’s not who I am and I need to change that. Granted there will be things I do that every blogger does but it will no longer be because I’m “suppose” to. It will be because I want to. Just like how I am in real life. That’s how I roll people. ;)

So tell me..
Do you follow the crowd or do you do your own thing?


Figuring out my fear

Let me say thank you for the tweets, comments & e-mails on yesterdays post. I cried for awhile but it was good tears. I am so thankful for this community of women. I feel God is speaking through them to me to help me get through figuring this out. So I think it’s only fair I share what I figured out.

I talk to Hubby after I wrote this post yesterday.
I told him everything I felt & tried to figure out why I felt that way.
Why I felt fear.

I grew up with parents who are fearsome. I love them to death. But my mom lives in fear & my dad does a little. So from the start it was planted inside of me. I was taught to be afraid without really being taught if that makes sense. It was just things that were said and things I witnessed.

That is part of.
But there is another part that I discovered last night when talking to my husband.
God has the power to destroy me.
Not the kind of destroy like he’ll call me home.
But destroy me as in taking away the beautiful boys & wonderful husband he blessed me with.
It was then I realized that my fear came from seeing bad things happen to good people.
People who have strong faith.

I knew this woman who was the most kind hearted person I had ever known.
Who had such strong faith in God that it took my breath away.
She was the type of person who you spoke to her and you knew God lived inside of her.
It just showed in everything she did and said.
She got breast cancer. Mind you she has two beautiful children and a husband.
Her faith held strong and it amazed me.
She beat the breast cancer.

Time went by and the worst thing happened, it came back.
Even though it came back her faith was still there.
She talked to other woman who had it telling them to have faith & that they could beat it.
Even though this time she knew she was dying.
She passed away right before her oldest daughters 18th birthday.
She left behind two girls and her husband.
All I could think was that it didn’t matter how strong your faith was.
He still lets bad things happen.
& that’s where my fear comes from.
Because the bible talks about how if you have faith you he will protect you.
But he didn’t protect her.
So why would he protect me, when she clearly had more faith then I do?

I have no answer & this is hard for me to right but writing helps. This is my online journal and it helps me to try to figure things out in writing. It helps me to have the blogging community to pull through the hard times.

So now I know why I’m afraid.
Because he has the power to hurt me worse than anyone ever could.

Now I just have to figure out how to get past the fear.
How to trust him more.
& I will figure it out. I fight for those I love. & after yesterday I know that even if I have trust issues. I love him completely. So I will fight to work through my fears and fight to put my trust in him.


It hurts when you realize you don’t trust God.

If you follow me on Instagram {c_livelaughl0ve} then you know I was playing catch up the other day on the Soul Detox alot of lovely bloggers are doing.

Day 16 -18 hit me & hit me hard.

“What you fear reveals what you value the most. What you fear reveals where you trust God the least.”

That part in pink was literally like a slap in the face – I just stared at my phone {I’m reading it on my phone} in shock, shaking my head, eyes wide & tears stinging. Not me. Not me who claims she has strong faith. Not me who calms others by telling them not to worry and have no fear. Not me who prays hard and loves God.

Denial. I felt denial and I wanted to bawl.
I don’t trust God.
Are you reading that? My fears reveal that I don’t trust him.
My throat is burning with tears I’m fighting back writing this.

I can’t help but question. Why don’t I trust him? Why do I have fears? I count my blessings. I am thankful. I talk about God as if he is a friend. I include in him in my kids lives. I pray and I pray hard. So why am I afraid?

I have no answer.
I feel ashamed.
Ashamed to even call myself a daughter of God.
I’ve always said you can’t love someone if you don’t trust them.
I’ve always loved God & now.
Now I’m questioning that.

Do I really love him? Because If I truly loved him I would trust him wouldn’t I? I wouldn’t have fears. I wouldn’t be afraid. I never thought much of fears. I just thought they were there – part of life. Part of being human. Boy was I wrong. I need to do some soul searching. I need to know why I’m afraid.

You may wonder why this is hitting me so hard. It says what your afraid of is where you trust him the least – well I have alot of fears. I would say I have more fears then most people I know. That is why I have tears streaming down my face right now.

I’m sorry God. 
I never meant to not trust you.


Sunday Music

I hope everyone is enjoying this long weekend.
I get my husband for 3 whole days yall.
This is rare. So very rare.
So we are soaking up as much family time as we can.

I just wanted to share this video with yall.
It’s one of my favorite christian songs.
Before you dismiss it – it’s a female rock band.
The words are so powerful – listen to it.


Reading, writing and living my dreams

Lately I have been all about words. Reading them and writing them. I’ve been soaking up as much as I can. Letting words flow from me. Embracing who I am as an avid reader and aspiring author. I love reading a good story as much as writing one. Lately, I just can’t seem to get enough of either. In my down time I am either reading or writing or alternating between to the two.

Really it’s been a beautiful thing. I feel like I’m running full force into my dream. Jumping of hurdles and dodging the things thrown my way. All with the one thing I am racing towards. My dream. It’s beautiful really and I think God is right on my side right now with this. He knows that right now we are going through some hard things – he knows how stressed I am. He knows the roadblocks were facing, the hurdles I’m jumping and the things I’m dodging.

I think he is putting it on my heart so much to do what I love. To remind me through it all – he is right here. He is still paying attention. He knows in the chaos of stress, that I needed an outlet and I jumped back into reading and writing with my entire heart. My stories are flowing better. I’m understand more of what I read, how stories should be told. How to make things flow and change and be captivating.

I’m taking steps towards living my dream that I should have taken a long time ago. It’s exciting and nerve wracking and scary and beautiful all at the same time. I’m looking forward to this chapter of my life. I’m looking forward to realizing just how strong of a person I am. Realizing just how much God is with me. Realizing that I can overcome things even when I feel they are weighing me down.

I know that in order to live my dream. I have to work hard to get there. I can tell you just how thrilled I am with what I am doing and that I am actually doing it. I thank God for blessing me with this talent. With this dream. I know the road won’t be easy, but I know in the end it will be worth it.



Embrace Life Series ~ Be A Kid

One thing I love about having kids is they have taught me how to be a kid again. While I have always been young at heart. The stress of money, parenting, being a wife, yada yada… can make it to where the kid in you flees right out of you. Even if you don’t have children right now, you can still take the time to be a kid. You may be wondering what I mean by that. I don’t mean throw temper tantrums, throw food or pick on the dog. I mean see the world through their eyes.

Have faith as they do. They love God so much. Without restrictions. Without question. Their faith is real and yet they are just children. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. — Matthew 18:3

Find beauty in the small things. Find something fascinating about something ordinary as they do.

You can learn a lot from kids. Just watch them. Watch how they take in the world around them. How they enjoy the smallest of things. you can do that. Take the time to push aside the busy, chaotic, stressful part of life and be a kid, even if it’s just for an hour. In order to see the world as they do, you have to be on their level. Sit on the grass, lay on the driveway & then examine the world around you. You will be surprised at what you find from their level.

This Embrace Life series is a weekly series in hopes to help you find the good in life, to know you can embrace life and to know there is someone here for you even through the hard times, that you can find beauty in any situation. Have something you would like to see in an embrace life series? Please e-mail me! :)


Dear Jesus

Dear Jesus,


You are so wonderful. So compassionate. You are life. You died for me. It’s so hard for me to wrap my head about that – that you died for my sins. Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve that. How does someone like me deserve your love? But I do – somehow I do. You know my secrets, you knows my sins, you know me – all of me & you love me for who I am. Well, Jesus the feeling is mutual. I love you for who you are – I love everything about you. I want my kids to know you. I want everyone to know you. You gave me a shot at heaven, a shot at walking with you when my time comes.

How hard must it have been for your father – God – to sacrifice you to save us. To save humans who are born natural sinners, who mess up time and again. But he did it. You did it. You did that for us. I remembered when I had watched a movie based on your life, the passion of the Christ. I hadn’t really read the bible before then but I believed in you – I remember the tears I shed and the uncontrollable pain that spread through me knowing you went through that. That people tortured you because they didn’t believe.

The tears are already forming in my eyes thinking about it. You didn’t deserve that, I know it was suppose to happen and I am forever grateful for what you did, what you endured to save us – but you didn’t deserve it. Thank you for walking with me always, thank you for dying for my sins, thank you for all you have done Jesus.

Thank you for always being here. You make life that much better. One of my favorite poems in the world is about you.


Jesus I have a bracelet with a part of that poem on it that I wear frequently. I always feel closer to you when I do, I can’t explain it but knowing I can look down at my wrist with that reminder it just makes me feel your presence. Jesus, Today I just want to say. Thank you for dying for my sins. Thank you for giving me faith. Thank you for being who you are – because without you we would have no chance to get into heaven. Thank you for walking with me and thank you for carrying me. I love you.


Time {On my heart}

Time is going too fast.

I want to just yell for it to stop!! Just hold on a darn minute and let me have more time. Often I think it’s not fair. I have this life, this wonderful husband and these amazing kids and it’s just flying by quickly. Too quickly. If I really think about it; I panic.

When I look at my husband and think six years have already gone by. Six years flew right by. I can still tell you the first kiss we shared, the first date, the first I love you. I can tell you the moment that he became a father I fell even more in love with him. I can tell you that I panic when I think of how fast all of that has gone.

I can tell you how fast it’s going when I look at Jay and see this big boy who is using the potty & drinking from a big boy cup. This boy who is so smart and has a memory I’ve never seen before. I can tell you how he changed my world while he was growing inside of me. I can tell you his first word was dada and the amount of beauty I saw on his face the first time I ever saw him left me breathless.

I can tell you when I look at Kage and see him racing to do things his big brother is doing; it’s both amazing and heart breaking. He’s trying to grow up too fast. When he talks and I hear how clear his words are I can tell you it leaves me speechless. I can tell you opened my eyes to how important the little moments of life are; how they are too short. I can tell you the first time he opened his eyes and looked at me, I saw alot of myself. I can tell you his laugh was pure music to my ears.

I can tell you I panic and ask God why is he letting time go so fast? Why can’t it just slow down, why can’t I just have more time? Then he reminds me that I need to be thankful for and enjoy the time now. Enjoy all these moments.

Dear God, Thank you for this time you have already given me, I cherish it in my heart. Please calm my anxious heart when I think about how time is moving too quickly, when I can’t seem to be okay with that. Please help me to enjoy every moment I can. I love you. Amen.



Cup 1/2 full – Faith

Last night Hubby & I were in our room.
The boys were asleep.
Hubby was browsing the web & I was doing some designing.
Hubby pulled up a video on youtube and I stopped what I was doing and watched.
I watched this same video that I had seen at least a dozen times before.
Tears stung my eyes.
As the video went on and the song kept tugging at my heart.
Those hot fresh tears spilled over. I cry every time I watch it – without fail.

This ordinary moment.
On this ordinary night.
Just became beautiful.

I had to share it with you. I hope you watch the whole thing, it’s a video that I love dearly and has tears forming in my eyes just thinking about sharing it with y’all. I hope it touches you, the same way it has me.


I vow

I just finished reading the vow, it opened my eyes a great deal – it reminded me that I don’t pray enough. I don’t run to him enough. My flaw as a human is that I try to handle everything myself. Why take something so small and put it on God’s shoulders? Surely he has enough going on and way bigger problems to deal with then my small stuff, right? Wrong. I couldn’t be more wrong. God wants me to come to him with everything.

So today infront of you and God…

I vow…
To be the wife God wants me to be.
To be the mother God wants me to be.
To be the friend God wants me to be.
To be the person God wants me to be.

I vow…
To pray more often.
To praise him in the good times.
To turn to him in the hard times.

I vow that I will glorify God and always put him first.


Dear God,
Please fill me with the full love and compassion that only comes from you. Open my eyes and my heart to be the wife and mother you want me to be. God I ask you to give me patience in frustrating times and peace through the hard times. I pray that the love you give me shine through to others. I pray that you give me the wisdom and strength to have a Godly marriage and raise our children to know and love you. God I know that I am weak, but you are strong. God I ask you to give me strength. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

I Vow..

To love & praise you always.

*Prayer request*
A very dear person to me needs our prayers. I believe in the power of prayer. I asked her to write down specifically what she wanted me to pray about – I believe in the power of prayer. 
“Soften my heart. Open my eyes and ears to God. For Gods word and the Holy Spirit leading in the more dominant voice. For hubby to grow closer to God and become a stronger Christian.”
I changed her husbands name to Hubby.