I think I wrote down more for Day 23 then I have so far for any other day.

“The toxic lie so many of us believe is because everyone else does it, it’s okay for us and won’t harm us.”


Well…
This is good for me.

In real life I have never been one to really follow the crowd. In highschool I was friends with all types of people in all types of “groups.” When someone was making fun of someone else I didn’t join in even thought it would have upped my “cool status.” I just wasn’t and still am not for certain things and that has been one thing I have always liked about myself. I’ve always been different that way and I have always been okay with that. I don’t like doing what you’re “suppose” to do.

Unfortunately.
This is also my downfall for two reasons.

One I don’t go to church for this reason because it’s what you’re “Suppose” to do and what every person who believes in God that I know does. I’ve always felt lie my time with God is my time and I like worshiping with people I know instead of strangers. My relationship with God is personal unless I want to share it. But I think not going to church stems from not following the crowd.

Two this blog. I follow the crowd with this blog more than I should. It’s not who I am and I need to change that. Granted there will be things I do that every blogger does but it will no longer be because I’m “suppose” to. It will be because I want to. Just like how I am in real life. That’s how I roll people.

So tell me..
Do you follow the crowd or do you do your own thing?

Let me say thank you for the tweets, comments & e-mails on yesterdays post. I cried for awhile but it was good tears. I am so thankful for this community of women. I feel God is speaking through them to me to help me get through figuring this out. So I think it’s only fair I share what I figured out.

I talk to Hubby after I wrote this post yesterday.
I told him everything I felt & tried to figure out why I felt that way.
Why I felt fear.

I grew up with parents who are fearsome. I love them to death. But my mom lives in fear & my dad does a little. So from the start it was planted inside of me. I was taught to be afraid without really being taught if that makes sense. It was just things that were said and things I witnessed.

That is part of.
But there is another part that I discovered last night when talking to my husband.
God has the power to destroy me.
Not the kind of destroy like he’ll call me home.
But destroy me as in taking away the beautiful boys & wonderful husband he blessed me with.
It was then I realized that my fear came from seeing bad things happen to good people.
People who have strong faith.

I knew this woman who was the most kind hearted person I had ever known.
Who had such strong faith in God that it took my breath away.
She was the type of person who you spoke to her and you knew God lived inside of her.
It just showed in everything she did and said.
She got breast cancer. Mind you she has two beautiful children and a husband.
Her faith held strong and it amazed me.
She beat the breast cancer.

Time went by and the worst thing happened, it came back.
Even though it came back her faith was still there.
She talked to other woman who had it telling them to have faith & that they could beat it.
Even though this time she knew she was dying.
She passed away right before her oldest daughters 18th birthday.
She left behind two girls and her husband.
All I could think was that it didn’t matter how strong your faith was.
He still lets bad things happen.
& that’s where my fear comes from.
Because the bible talks about how if you have faith you he will protect you.
But he didn’t protect her.
So why would he protect me, when she clearly had more faith then I do?

I have no answer & this is hard for me to right but writing helps. This is my online journal and it helps me to try to figure things out in writing. It helps me to have the blogging community to pull through the hard times.

So now I know why I’m afraid.
Because he has the power to hurt me worse than anyone ever could.

Now I just have to figure out how to get past the fear.
How to trust him more.
& I will figure it out. I fight for those I love. & after yesterday I know that even if I have trust issues. I love him completely. So I will fight to work through my fears and fight to put my trust in him.

I hope everyone is enjoying this long weekend.
I get my husband for 3 whole days yall.
This is rare. So very rare.
So we are soaking up as much family time as we can.

I just wanted to share this video with yall.
It’s one of my favorite christian songs.
Before you dismiss it – it’s a female rock band.
The words are so powerful – listen to it.

Dear Jesus,

{Via}

You are so wonderful. So compassionate. You are life. You died for me. It’s so hard for me to wrap my head about that – that you died for my sins. Sometimes I wonder if I even deserve that. How does someone like me deserve your love? But I do – somehow I do. You know my secrets, you knows my sins, you know me – all of me & you love me for who I am. Well, Jesus the feeling is mutual. I love you for who you are – I love everything about you. I want my kids to know you. I want everyone to know you. You gave me a shot at heaven, a shot at walking with you when my time comes.

How hard must it have been for your father – God – to sacrifice you to save us. To save humans who are born natural sinners, who mess up time and again. But he did it. You did it. You did that for us. I remembered when I had watched a movie based on your life, the passion of the Christ. I hadn’t really read the bible before then but I believed in you – I remember the tears I shed and the uncontrollable pain that spread through me knowing you went through that. That people tortured you because they didn’t believe.

The tears are already forming in my eyes thinking about it. You didn’t deserve that, I know it was suppose to happen and I am forever grateful for what you did, what you endured to save us – but you didn’t deserve it. Thank you for walking with me always, thank you for dying for my sins, thank you for all you have done Jesus.

Thank you for always being here. You make life that much better. One of my favorite poems in the world is about you.

{Via}

Jesus I have a bracelet with a part of that poem on it that I wear frequently. I always feel closer to you when I do, I can’t explain it but knowing I can look down at my wrist with that reminder it just makes me feel your presence. Jesus, Today I just want to say. Thank you for dying for my sins. Thank you for giving me faith. Thank you for being who you are – because without you we would have no chance to get into heaven. Thank you for walking with me and thank you for carrying me. I love you.