Another Hospital Stay

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I really hate this time of year. Everyone is sick all the time and Jay brings home all kinds of germs from school. It doesn’t help that this weather keeps going from super cold to hot outside either. Friday, I noticed that Kage had a bit of a cough so, of course I got worried that the twins were going to catch it. It turns out that I was right to worry. Saturday, Jax started dropping his stats like the last time he was sick. His nose was really stuffy and he had a cough so I began diffusing my oils and rubbed a mixture on his chest. I also cleaned out his nose the best I could. It worked for a little while, but I decided to go ahead and take him to a clinic by our house to get him some antibiotics to hopefully fight whatever he had. When we got there, I decided to unhook him from his apnea monitor that way I didn’t have to carry it in. I checked him before I unhooked him and he was breathing just fine. I figured it was okay to unhook him because we were at an er and if anything happened I would be able to stimulate him. I checked him in and the lady handed me a clipboard of paperwork to fill out. I carried the carseat over to a chair, wrote his first name, and then pulled up the blanket I had covering his carseat to check on him. As soon as I looked at him, I knew something was wrong, and I felt my heart skip a beat. His eyes were half open, he was pale, and when I put my hand on his chest I didn’t feel him breathing. My heart slammed into my chest as I jumped to my feet and ran to the counter and yelled for the receptionist who had walked away, “excuse me, he’s not breathing!!” Were the words that left my mouth and as a lump formed in my throat, I heard the gasp and “oh nos” of the other people in the waiting room when they realized it was a baby.

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I quickly pulled him out of his carseat and blew in his face and begged him to take a breath, hoping this was just another apnea episode. It didn’t work and I was getting ready to lay him on the floor and start cpr when the nurse and doctor came rushing into the waiting room and took him from me. I grabbed our stuff and ran after them into a room, I stood at the edge of the bed as they got him hooked up to oxygen. I put my hands over my mouth to keep from whimpering and felt my hands shaking like a leaf. The nurse finally looked over at me and said, “he took a huge gasp of air on the way to the room.” My knees buckled and I had to grab the bed to stay steady as I thanked God. They called for the ambulance and twenty minutes later, he was being transported downtown to the same hospital he was at last time. In the ER there, he was hooked up to oxygen still and he dropped his stats twice while on oxygen. They asked me to leave the room so they could intubate him. When I was allowed to come back in, one of the nurses was squeezing a blue bag that was making him breathe. The test results came back that he has bronchiolitis. About ten minutes later, we all headed up to the icu floor and he got checked into a room in icu and was put on a ventilater. He is still on the ventilater, hopefully coming off today, but he also has a small bacterial infection now that he is on antibiotics for. He has been sedated since Saturday because they don’t want him ripping the tube out and seeing him try so hard to open his eyes when he hears my voice is heartbreaking. To know he is trying to fight the sedation to find me is also amazing and makes me realize how much he loves me. The nurse said he will be in the hospital at least a week, but it could be longer.

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Sunday, Kade started having the same horrible cough and that afternoon I took him to the clinic to get him checked out. They did an x-ray and the doctor (who was an asshole) said he had pneumonia and he was transported downtown by ambulance. My mom watched the boys and Hubby met us at the ER. They ran a bunch of tests on him, as well as did another x-ray, and said he did NOT have pneumonia like the asshole doctor said, but he too, had bronchiolitis. After a ridiculously long time at the ER, around 8pm, they said we could go home and he was sent home on a nebulizer and he has to have four treatments a day. I’ve been diffusing some of my oils that are for cough (Thieves, Lemon, and Purification), I’ve been alternating those three and yesterday he only needed two treatments instead of four.

I’m praying my little guys get better soon and that after this, we will be done with hospitals for awhile. I swear if I never see another hospital in the next four years, it will be too soon. I’m so over hospitals and I just want my babies to get better and be home for good.

To those of you who have been praying, I can’t thank you enough. To those of you just finding out, please pray/send positive thoughts for my little guys. Thanks in advance!


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An update on Jax

An update on Jax

I have been horrible about updating the blog with regular life updates. If you follow me on Instagram then you know Jax finally came home the day after Christmas. It may have been hard getting through Christmas eve and Christmas Day without him at home with his brothers, but we were over the moon, after seven long weeks of them being in nicu, we had finally got our wish. Our family was finally complete at home and Jax & Kade were finally together again. The boys were so happy to have both their baby brothers home and we loved ringing in the new year with our babies at home, where they belong.

An update on Jax

Unfortunately, Hubby had been sick since Christmas morning. We aren’t even sure who he managed to get sick from, but he was sick nonetheless. We had really hoped that the twins wouldn’t catch whatever Hubby had as long as he washed his hands and didn’t kiss their faces. It really was wishful thinking, we knew the odds of them not getting sick were pretty slim and sure enough the day before New Years, I noticed they had stuffy noses. New Years Day, their little noses sounded worse and they some boogers, they weren’t running fever, and they didn’t have a cough so I had hoped that was all they would get from it. Things took a turn for the worse when I woke up on the 2nd to Jax dropping his heart rate. He came home on an apnea monitor and he had been having very small dips & quickly recovering them and never more than two small/quick ones a day, if that. I had even mentioned to my husband on Thursday evening that Jax’s monitor hadn’t gone off at all that day. Well, Friday morning when I woke up to his monitor going off, it didn’t alarm me at first. He brought it back up quickly. He then began to have more of them. I still didn’t panic, I assumed it was because he was sick and stuffy. Around 11am, is when it started getting worse. He began having actual apnea, I was having to stimulate him a little bit to get his heart rate back up, and then he began dropping his oxygen. The alarm starting sounding way too much. I messaged one of the nurses who took care of him during his time in nicu and told her what he was doing, but I knew regardless of what she said, I was taking him in because I was beginning to panic.

She messaged me back and told me to take him to the ER and by that time, I was already loading him in the car. I called my mother who lives on the way to the hospital and asked her to come with me because I didn’t feel comfortable with him being in the backseat alone incase he started dropping his stats again. I picked her up and we headed to the hospital. He had only done it for a brief moment on the way to my moms and hadn’t done it again on the rest of the way to the hospital. We checked in and it was then I noticed the seven or eight other people in the waiting room and with it being flu season, I was so not okay with them not immediately putting him back in a room, especially when they knew he was a preemie. He hadn’t dropped his stats once while we were there and so I began to wonder if I overreacted and being around so many sick people was making me nervous so we took the elevators up to the NICU floor to talk to the RN who knew Jax’s history.

I told her what he had been doing at home and in this time my mom and I had both put our ear up to Jax’s back & chest to see if we could hear anything in his lungs and we couldn’t. The RN agreed with us, that it was more than likely just his nose being stuffy that was making it hard for him to breathe, but she did recommend we get him checked out. I was convinced though, that it was just because of his nose, and she gave me some tips on how to clear it up. I thanked her and we headed back down on the elevator. Well, it stopped on the third floor and as soon as it stopped, his stats starting dropping. We stepped off the elevator and I began stimulating him to bring his stats back up. He did, but it wasn’t even a minute later that they dropped again and even though we managed to get them back up, he went limp. Thankfully, the lady who had pushed the elevator button on the third floor, the reason the elevator stopped on the third floor at all, was the head RN in the ER. She rushed us through doors and into a room once we got back down to the ER.

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The team flew into action. They began monitoring his body temp, his oxygen, and his heart rate. He was too cold and they stripped him down, turned the heat on on the bed, and the nurses and I kept having to stimulate him because he just kept dropping his stats and dropping them. They called the hospital downtown and he was going to be transferred by ambulance. Since he couldn’t keep his stats up on his own, they put him on oxygen, and he immediately looked better. His color came back and he even started crying and trying to rip the oxygen out of his nose. It was when I heard him cry that I let myself break because I was trying to stay calm & strong for him. When I heard his angry little cry, my own tears started forming. They transferred him downtown where he was on oxygen for quite a few days. He had a virus, but they didn’t know what. Once he was finally off oxygen, they began running test after test on him to make sure everything was normal and he was continuing to have little dips in heart rate and they wanted to make sure it was just because he was a preemie and not something more serious.

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Those 13 days that he was back in the hospital were hard on all of us. The boys were upset, they had only had one week with Jax before he was back in the hospital. Kade was even upset, he just wasn’t himself until Jax came back home. My husband and I were beyond upset. Those days were a whirlwind of tears, frustration, anger, sickness {I wound up catching something and spent two days throwing up}, and brokenness. I can’t thank eveyone enough who prayed for him, thought about him, and checked on him. We are all so glad he is healthy and back home again!


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The sweetest moment

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // The sweetest moment

When we first brought Kade home from the hospital, both the boys were kind of hesitant about him. They would look at him when I held him or when he was in his bouncer, they would let Kade wrap his little fingers around their hands, but that’s as far as it went. I don’t blame them though because Kade is tiny, if I wasn’t a momma, I might be hesitant to hold him too. I’ve been offering for Jay to hold him, but he’s been saying no. Well, the other day he decided he wanted to hold him for a minute so, I let him.

It was absolutely adorable and I had to grab my camera and snap a couple of pictures. Jay was smiling almost the whole time. He truly loves his little brother. After school, Jay asks me several times, “Mommy can I give Kade a kiss.” Of course I say yes and smile as he kisses Kade’s head. Jay will sit there and talk to him and show him his toys. It is just so adorable to watch. I love watching their bond form and being able to see these sweet memories. He watches over him so much. When Kade is sleeping and Jay is talking to me, he will come up to me and say, “mommy, I love you soooo much.” :) My heart melts.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // The sweetest moment

Does your child have a younger sibling that they adore?!

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Coming home without Jax

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Coming home without Jax

Tuesday I shared how we brought Kade home from the hospital over the weekend. It truly has been amazing having him home and I have a hard time putting him down because for five weeks there were so many times I couldn’t hold him. As you know, we had to come home without Jax. When I first left the hospital without either of my babies, it was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced in my life. The pain of leaving your baby or in my case, babies, in the nicu, is a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I would never want anyone to experience what that is like because it damages you in a way you can’t quite put into words. I never imagined that anything would be harder or hurt worse than leaving them both there, but I was so very wrong.

While I am beyond thrilled to have Kade home and I wouldn’t change it for the world, coming home with one of my babies and not the other is breaking me. I had hoped I would be too busy, too sleep-deprived, too anything, to be able to focus on how upset I am about having one of my babies home and not the other, but that’s not the case. I am very much too tired; I feel like I’m running in a race and can’t stop to catch my breath, I’m very much busy; between having a baby home and everything that comes with having a baby home, my older two boys, cleaning, laundry, school, and still trying to find time to get up to the hospital to see Jax, you would think I wouldn’t have time to be that upset or to be able to focus on how upset I am. Most of the day, I am too busy to think about it, to let myself go to that place that hurts, but random times throughout the day the pain of not having Jax home hits me.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Coming home without Jax

I have started crying in the middle of folding laundry. I had to fight back tears while playing with Kade yesterday because while I was soaking in that beautiful moment with Kade, Jay, and Kage, I was aching to be able to do the same with Jax. I cried listening to I’m already there by Lonestar on the way home from seeing Jax the other day. I’ve fought back tears making bottles because, as odd as it sounds, I want to be making double what I am, but I’m not because I only have one baby here right now. The crying doesn’t last very long, but it rips through me randomly as you can see and I’ve just accepted it. I’ve accepted the pain in my heart is going to be there until I have both my babies home with me, until I can cuddle, kiss, and hold them both whenever I want to. Until I’m even more sleep-deprived than I already am and until I’m even more busy than I already am. I know that the random tears are going to happen until Jax comes home to be with us too.

We were so close to having him home. He had gone eight days without dropping his heart rate, he is eating all his bottles, and gaining weight and earlier this week they talked about having him come home in a day or two, he even passed his car seat test, but on that 8th day, he dropped his heart rate again and has dropped it every day since. It’s breaking my heart. He was so close to coming home, we were so close to having him here, I got my hopes up, and then watched as they all crashed down because he has to stay longer and now we don’t know when he will be coming home. We don’t know if he will be home for Christmas like we had hoped. I’ll be talking to the doctor today to see what he plans to do to find out why Jax is dropping his heart rate again and I can only pray it’s nothing major.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Coming home without Jax

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After 5 long weeks…

I know I keep popping in and out of blogging and social media. Things keep happening that are taking me by surprise so everything else has been getting put on the back burner. Things like getting a phone call on Thursday from the doctor telling me to bring Kade’s car seat up to the hospital to do his car seat test. That wasn’t what shocked me though, what shocked me was the doctor saying, “If he passes his test, you can room in tomorrow, and he will more than likely go home on Saturday.” We knew Kade was doing really well and would probably be coming home soon, we just didn’t realize it would be that soon. I began frantically cleaning the house and finishing up the nursery. Afterwards, I headed up to the hospital with car seat in hand. I was excited, but trying really hard not to get my hopes up and trying not to think about the face that Jax wouldn’t be coming home with him if he passed his test.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // After 5 long weeks...

Well, I called later that night after the car seat test was complete and found out that he passed. I squealed and thanked the nurse for letting me know. I told her I would be up there tomorrow afternoon to room in. As soon as I hit the end button on the phone, the tears just started falling. One of my babies was coming home and one wasn’t. I was so beyond happy and so beyond sad at the same time. That’s a post for another day though. The next day, I was a bundle of excitement. I packed my bag for the hospital, I packed the boys bags to stay the night at my moms, and I packed Kade’s coming home outfit. I just couldn’t believe this was really happening. I got to the hospital around 4pm. I said hi to my babies, set my stuff down in the room Kade and I would be staying in, and began watching the CPR dvd. That was one stipulation to them coming home, we had to learn CPR. Afterwards, I was talking to my favorite nurse as she explained some things to me about rooming in. Then, I watched her unhook Kade from the monitors that he has been on since he has been born. My heart fluttered. He hasn’t had any problems with his heart rate dropping since a few days after he was born, but still, you get used to those monitors, and seeing it with little x’s where his oxygen and heart rate normally were, freaked me out a bit. I took a deep breath and willed my heart to calm down, he was fine and he was going to continue to be fine I told myself.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // After 5 long weeks...

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // After 5 long weeks...

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // After 5 long weeks...

We walked down the hall, into the room, and then it was just him and I. I was finally getting one of my babies all to myself. It was amazing. I got to hold him as much as I wanted, talk to him whenever, and just stare at him. The room had a huge bed that Kade and I spent most of our rooming in time on. I laid him down and stared at his sweet face. When he was awake I was talking to him and watching his every facial expression. When he would fall asleep, I curled him into my side and alternated between watching tv and staring at him. The night went wonderful. He woke up every three hours to eat and he did great each time. Even through my tiredness, I was beyond happy. The next morning, after the doctor came in, he cleared us to leave, and Kade was discharged from the hospital.

His first day home was wonderful. We were all so happy to have him home. The boys were totally smitten with their baby brother and Hubby and I couldn’t steal enough baby kisses. I kept telling Hubby, “I can’t believe he’s home.” We waited five weeks for this moment and it was amazing. Both sets of grandparents came to visit him, along with Hubby’s aunt. Aside from our few visitors, we have just been enjoying our time with him home in between going to the hospital to see Jax.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // After 5 long weeks...

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // After 5 long weeks...

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // After 5 long weeks...

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // After 5 long weeks...

Kade has been doing awesome being home. We just can’t get enough of him. =D


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Leaving Them

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Leaving ThemThe day after my c-section I was more than ready to go home. I seriously hate staying in the hospital if I don’t have to be there. Every time I’ve stayed in the hospital, pain and/or surgery has been involved, therefore, I try to get out of there as quickly as possible. I talked to the doctor about the possibility of me leaving, she said I looked fantastic, but she normally likes women to stay 48 hours after they had a c-section, but since I was doing so well, she was going to come back around six p.m. to check on me and if I was still doing good, I was going to be able to go home. While I was waiting for it to be six o’clock. I managed to take a shower and put regular clothes on. She came back right on time like she said she would and after checking me, decided I could go home. I was so happy to be getting out of the hospital, but I was overwhelmed with sadness when it came to leaving my babies. The whole time I was being wheeled to the SUV, I was fighting back tears. As soon as we pulled out of the parking lot, the tears started falling.

I whispered to my husband, “Does it feel like your heart is breaking?” He shook his head yes. He glanced over at me, saw the tears streaming down my face so, he reached one arm over, put it on my shoulder, and pulled me as close to him as the SUV would allow.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Leaving Them

Everyday since then, when I have gone to visit them, I have literally had to force myself to leave them. I’ve had to force myself to put one foot in front of the other until I’m in my car. It has been three weeks since they were born and leaving them hasn’t gotten easier, the way I’m dealing with it has changed though. The first two weeks I cried in my car every time I left. I was the lady driving down the road, wearing sunglasses, with tears rolling down her cheeks. Starting the third week, I start getting teary eyed when I have to lay them down in their beds now that I get to hold them and when I walk out of the hospital, I’ve noticed that my mood shifts. Something in me shuts down, I become quiet, kinda distant, and my mood is sad instead of happy like it was when I was holding them. I know why this happens, I know it’s because I’m leaving half of my heart behind. I know it’s because to me, I didn’t get to hold them long enough, I didn’t kiss their sweet heads enough. I know it’s because I’m leaving them, when all I wanna do is stay.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Leaving Them

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Leaving Them

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Leaving Them

I’m the type of person who feels things deeply, I can feel every single emotion as it happens, and whose emotions {no matter what emotion it is} consume me. I’m the type of person who feels, lives, and embraces each emotion as it comes. Leaving them is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and the hardest heartbreak I’ve ever felt. I’ve been told by a very sweet friend {whose daughter has been in nicu for over two months now}, that it gets easier, I believe her, but because of who I am, I’m afraid it’s not going to.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Leaving Them

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Leaving Them


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It all happened so fast

You can read part one here.

 

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When they got me into a labor room, everyone flew into action. It was all happening extremely fast and I was beyond scared. I had an IV put in me that was pumping something into me for the babies. I can’t even remember where the IV went or what the fluid was. They had me signing paperwork and I could have punched her. Like, I wasn’t going anywhere, I’m having extreme contractions, and this couldn’t freaking wait until afterwards?! They were also monitoring the babies again and they were still doing good, even through the contractions. I was so worried too much stress was being put on them from the pain I was going through. The on call doctor came in to talk to me and so did the anesthesiologist. When I found out my doctor wasn’t working that night, I panicked a little because he knew my plan and knew my history, but the on call doctor was really wonderful and put me at ease immediately. There was just something about her that I liked in all of the chaos. While all of this was going on, I was having contractions that had me arching my back, screaming through my teeth, and crying. I’ve had back labor with all three pregnancies and this time around I have a messed up back and I believe that made the contractions ten times worse. I was panicking and trying to find my husband through my blurry, tear filled vision, I remember seeing him put his scrubs on that they gave him and I remember my mom showing up ten minutes before they took me back to the operating room.

By the time we got to the operating room, I was beyond hurting, I really wanted to push, and I was down right miserable. Hubby wasn’t aloud to come back there until I was numb and laid down and all I could keep thinking was I wanted him. I wanted him right next to me, right that second, and he couldn’t be. Thankfully, the anesthesiologist got to work right away on numbing me and right in the middle of him doing so, I had a contraction coming on. Him and one of the OR nurses kept saying I had to be still and I remember muttering, “I can’t. I can’t.” and shaking my head. The last thing I wanted to do was move while he was sticking a needle in my back, but I also knew I couldn’t sit still through it. The OR nurse said, “You HAVE to stay still, just squeeze my hands and scream through it.” That’s exactly what I did. I’m surprised I didn’t break her hand and the scream I let out was a piercing one, but that nurse took it like a champ and it worked, it kept me still enough for him to finish. It only took seconds for the medicine to kick in and before I knew it, the lower half of me was completely numb. They laid me back on the table, put up that big blue curtain, and then Hubby came in and I was so happy to see him.

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I had heard some horror stories about having a c-section and I was really nervous about what it was going to be like, but I didn’t feel anything as the doctor cut me open and pulled my sweet babies out. From this point on, everything was a little hazy, but when she said Baby B was out and that beautiful cry pierced the room, relief flooded through me. “Okay.” I thought to myself, “One baby down, one to go. Please God let Baby A come out crying too.” Two minuter later she said Baby A was out and he too let out a beautiful piercing cry. Tears filled my eyes. They were out, they were crying, and so far they were okay.

Shortly after the babies were out and after she finished tying my tubes, I started to have a panic attack on the table. The lower half of me was numb, my arms were pinned down by straps, my upper back was starting to hurt, and I wanted to see my babies. I wanted off that damn table and I began to panic. I don’t really remember anything after the panic attack started, but Hubby said I kept trying to pull my arms free of the straps and I kept twisting my upper body causing the doctor to have to stop working on me. He had a little chat with the anesthesiologist at this point that he said went a little something like this.

Hubby: “Dude, are you going to give her something to knock her out?”
A: “No, this is normal. She’ll stop.”
Hubby: “No, she won’t. I know my wife and she’s not going to stop. Give her something right now.”

I now thank God that my husband said that because I don’t remember that conversation, them taking the babies away, or the rest of the panic attack. I remember waking up back in the labor room and seeing my husband, my mom, my sister in law & my brother in law all waiting for me to come around. I was so happy to see people who loved me, but it wasn’t long before the pain hit me and the panic of not having my babies with me, hit me. Thankfully my mom got the nurse to give me more pain meds and then Hubby and my mom were able to go see the twins in the nicu. Once my mom came back, my brother in law and sister in law each took a turn going down to nicu with my husband to see the babies. I’m not going to lie, I was upset and jealous that they were getting to see my babies before I was, but I hoped it wouldn’t be long before I would be going back to see them. When Hubby and my brother in law walked back in, the nurse followed. She told me she was moving me to another room, but first I was being wheeled back to see my babies. My mom kissed and hugged me and left to go home where my step-dad and boys were and my BIL & SIL went to the room I was going to be staying in, while Hubby and the nurse wheeled my bed into nicu.

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It was a huge shock to see my babies. They had cpaps on and ivs and wires everywhere. I couldn’t stop the tears if I had tried. My heart broke into a million pieces and all I wanted to do was hold them and cuddle them and I couldn’t. All I could do was hold their little hands and stare at them. It was so hard and it wasn’t long before I had to be wheeled back to my room.

I plan on sharing more about how I felt during this time and the days to follow because that deserves a post of it’s own. For now, I’ll end their birth story here and let y’all know that they are doing good. :) I will have a post up in a day or two about the progress they have made and sharing more pictures. I want to thank everyone who prayed and is continuing to pray for our sweet babies. It means the world to us.

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They decided to come a little early

Jax Live.Laugh.L0ve. // They decided to come a little early

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // They decided to come a little early

Kade Live.Laugh.L0ve. // They decided to come a little early

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // They decided to come a little early

{These are their nicknames, if you are new to my blog, I don’t use my kids real names on my blog. =D}

If you don’t follow me on facebook, twitter, or IG, than you probably don’t know that the twins were born on Saturday morning. I had an emergency c-section. I”m in the process of writing down the details of what happened, recovering, trying to spend as much time at the hospital as possible, and taking care of Jay and Kage. My mind right now is a little all over the place and the only time I really have to blog right now is at night so I may only be posting a few times a week for a little bit, but I wanted to let y’all know that the twins have arrived and I’ll be sharing updates and the story of what happened soon.

We would appreciate any and all prayers for our sweet little boys!


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