I’m not a convenient friend

On Friday in my coffee date post, I talked about how friendship has been on my mind lately. Friendship is something I’ve struggled with since becoming a mother. I lost quite a few friends when I found out I was pregnant and I tried not to let it get to me because I was 18, almost 19 at the time. Most of my friends were partying and I couldn’t, but it was still hard to accept that my “friends” left me when I needed them the most. As time went on, I found best friends through family members and the memories I created with them were amazing, but things happened. Some things I’ve opened up about on here and some things I haven’t. For the other friendships that didn’t end for a reason, life just got busy and we just kind of went our separate ways. Then I found wonderful friends through blogging. I never expected to connect on such a level with people I didn’t personally know, but it wasn’t long before most of those friendships faded as well. 

It also wasn’t long before I began questioning certain friendships falling through the cracks because of me. I know not all of it is my fault, but I can take responsibility for alot of it. The thing is since my back got messed up, I am no longer a convenient friend. My life changed in a very drastic way when my back decided to go and eff up, but I try to deal with it the best I can. I’m still trying to do all the normal things mothers & stay at home moms do on a daily bases while trying to maintain relationships with family and friends, but I get it…

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // I'm not a convenient friend



I get that it’s not convenient to have to text or call me first. There are days that I just have quite a bit going on, especially days where I am hurting alot, that I just don’t think to pick up the phone and say, “Hey, how are you?”

I get it that it’s not convenient to ask me to lunch last minute or invite me over and I can’t just drop everything I’m doing anymore to be right over. There are quite a few days where it takes so much out of me just to keep my house somewhat in order, take care of my kids, our new puppy, my husband, and doing things that I like to do, that I have to have an advanced notice because there are just days where the pain stops me from being able to do anything.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // I'm not a convenient friend



I get that it’s not convenient to read my blog and comment on it, when I’m not doing the same to yours all the time anymore. Especially lately, between everything above and now being pregnant, I barely have time/energy to blog, let alone do everything that comes with blogging.

I get that it not convenient to be my friend right now and I’m sorry for that, but I try to make an effort with those I care about. Whether it’s a text message, answering a phone call when I don’t really want to talk, sending a quick tweet, or leaving a little comment on IG. I put in the effort in even with all I struggle with so, it always baffles me that my friends can’t do the same. It’s not everyone and I know every one’s busy. I have friends who take the time to text me or call me and it’s always nice and I always make the time to respond or talk. 

It would just be nice to know that the people I thought would be here when it’s not convenient, to actually be here. Ya know?

I truly appreciate all the friends and family who have stuck by me during this hard time in my life.
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My worries about pregnancy with a messed up back

If you have been reading my blog for a little while, you know I have two herniated discs in my back and I’m often in a lot of pain because of it. Well, now I’m pregnant and we are so happy about that. I really am because I’ve been wanting another baby for awhile, but I’m worried. I try not to worry too much and just trust God’s plan, but there are times I majorly worry about being pregnant and having a messed up back. Obviously I can’t take all the medicine I was taking that was helping my back & leg so, I’m already experiencing more pain than I normally am. I have to be really careful not to overdue it because if I’m hurting too bad, then my blood pressure goes up and the pain & blood pressure isn’t good for the babies. I have to limit myself to little spurts of cleaning. Little spurts of playing with the boys. Little spurts of doing anything basically.

It’s definitely hard and I’m trying not to complain too much because I had told my husband that if we had another baby I would deal with the pain for nine months. While that’s true and happening, it’s frustrating. I’ve been told by both my pain doctor and my obgyn that the pain is only going to get worse as I get bigger and wow, when I really think about that… it scares the hell out of me. I don’t want my pain even more intensified, but I also want a baby so I’m willing to go through the pain for these sweet babies. I didn’t have a bad back when I was pregnant with Jay or kage so this pregnancy is going to be different. Heck, it’s already been different with all the morning {all day} sickness I’ve had, which by the way, throwing up multiple times a day wrecks havoc on a messed up back. Thankfully my baby doctor called me out Zofran and {knock on wood}, I’ve only thrown up twice since taking it.

My family members also think I’m going to have to wind up being put on bed rest later in my pregnancy because of my back and that sends me into a state of panic when I think about it. I have two active boys, now we have a puppy, I have an entire house to clean, and laundry to do. I don’t have time to be on bed rest!! I’m furiously praying and hoping that bed rest doesn’t happen, but something tells me it’s going to and I’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it. This time around I’ll also be having a c-section. I’m not too upset about that because I had horrible delivers with both of the boys and I wanted a c-section if we ever had a third child, but there is no way in hell I’m going to be able to push with my messed up back so a c-section is the way we are going. Hubby isn’t too thrilled about this, but I reminded him of my previous births and how long it took me to heal from them and he’s warming up to the idea.

I’m really just nervous about everything I guess. It’s been five years since I’ve been pregnant. Five years since I’ve had to worry about a baby in my belly. This time around it’s different and different is sometimes scary. I know I’m probably worrying over nothing and I keep trying to remind myself to trust God because he knows what he is doing. Does anyone else ever struggle with that? Just trusting his plan and believing everything was going to be okay? I do, but when we first found out I was pregnant, I had this calming feeling that everything was going to be okay and if you know me in real life, you know I’m not normally like that. I am a natural worrier so, for me to have that thought. I knew it came from God and now I just have to trust his plan and prepare myself for the pain that is to come. I love these babies so much already though, that I will deal with the pain for them.

{If you didn’t catch on to the “babies” reference – surprise, I’m pregnant with Twins!!!}

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I finally admitted I needed help

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // I finally admitted I needed help
“Life doesn’t get easier, people get stronger.” — Unknown
Shirt – The Printed Pallete // Capris – Family Dollar

You know, sometimes in life you just have to go with the flow of things. You have to do things you don’t always want to do. You have to ask for help when that’s something that is hard for you to do. One of the things that has fallen through the cracks since the shit with my back started, has been our home. I haven’t been able to clean as much or keep it clean and that frustrates the hell out of me. At first, I accepted the offer of my mom and little sister cleaning my house a couple of times when the pain first started because, I just needed the help. Once I got in to see a doctor and was put on medicine and it started working, I started cleaning again, but I quickly learned that I could NOT do the cleaning that I wanted and that I couldn’t consistently clean it. Our home was becoming the messiest it had ever been because I could only clean in spurts and not often. Mopping went to once a week if I was lucky and I loathed that because I was normally mopping multiple times a week. The same thing happened with vacuuming. Laundry was getting horribly behind, regularly. Just everything was going down hill.

I didn’t want to admit I needed help to anyone besides my husband or mom. I hated admitting that this was another area I couldn’t keep up with. Although, anyone who has come over has seen that I probably needed the help, I was just being downright stubborn. I hated that my husband was coming home to a messy house after he worked all day. I’m a stay at home mom, part of my job is to clean this house and no my husband doesn’t expect it to be sparkly clean, but just like I expect him to go to work and actually work, he expects me to do my job around here and I was letting him down, although I really wasn’t since he knows I wasn’t just not cleaning all the time because I didn’t want to. He knows that it hurts me to clean so really, it was just me feeling like I was letting him down because I couldn’t do another part of my job.

My mom kept telling me I needed to hire someone to come in once a week to clean. This was something else I was already debating about. I knew I needed someone to come in and clean it once a week that way I could manage the house during the week until said person came and cleaned the next week. I knew this would tremendously boost my happiness {when my house is dirty, I’m not happy} and I even knew my husband would love it. I still had plenty of internal debates with myself before I took the idea to the hubs and he wasn’t too sure about it at first, but I explained to him how I was feeling about everything and it didn’t take long after that for him to say yes. Thankfully, I knew a couple of people who clean houses as their job and I decided to hire my cousin. She has always be an excellent cleaner for as long as I can remember and she decided to make a job out of her love of cleaning. Hiring her was much easier than hiring someone I didn’t know.

I already knew she was going to do a great job. She already knew my reason behind needing to hire someone and I felt extremely comfortable having her here cleaning. She came to clean for the first time last week and wow, I knew she was going to do great, but she blew me away. When my husband walked in after work, his first words were, “WOW!” Seeing him happy that the house was clean, was enough for me to know I made the right choice by admitting I needed the help with this and getting the help. Also, I’ve been able to maintain it through the week and I’ve also implemented new rules to make it easier to keep it clean through the week. I’ve been more consistent about the boys not eating anywhere except the kitchen. They have to throw away their trash. They have to pick up their toys and any other mess they made before bedtime. Hubby has also been doing his part more, putting his dishes in the sink as soon as he’s done with them, putting his clothes in the laundry basket instead of on the bathroom floor. I’ve even been making sure to pick up along the way when I’m going from one room to another.

Overall, it’s working for us. Do I wish that I could do it all on my own again? Absolutely. But knowing I needed the help and that having the help is working makes the decision so much easier.

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An update on my back

I walked into the reception area of the surgeons doctors office with my mom and Kage. My heart was pounding and my palms were sweaty. Going to see a surgeon scared the hell out of me and I didn’t realize how bad until I walked through those office doors. As we were ushered back into a room, I felt like I might throw up from nerves and my blood pressure was up. My insides were pretty much a mess. I’ve come to the point where I’ve half accepted my back pain and being on medicine and life just being all around different, I haven’t accepted surgery. Thankfully, my doctor was very nice and explained SO much to me. As he kept talking though and hung up my x-rays and MRIs, I felt my stomach drop. One of my discs is completely screwed. So screwed in fact, that if the physical therapy he is having me do, doesn’t work, I will be having disc replacement surgery.

Let me back up for a second. When my pain management doctor told me that he was referring me to a surgeon, he said I was a prime candidate for laparoscopic surgery. That still scared me, but not as bad since I’ve had that type of surgery before when I had my appendix taken out. Jump back to the now, I wasn’t prepared for that. I wasn’t prepared for hearing that if in a month my back is not better after physical therapy, my back will be getting cut open and my disc will have to be replaced. The thought still brings a sickening feeling to my stomach every time I think about it. Surgery is scary enough as it is, but back surgery is far scary. So many things can go wrong with back surgery and it scares the shit out of me. I had my first day of physical therapy on Tuesday and that shit fucking hurt. There was so much poking and prodding and bending this way and seeing how much strength I had and how it felt when I laid down and lifted my legs. If that wasn’t bad enough, he hooked me up to this freaking thing that he referred to as feeling like a corset, a very tight corset. That was one hell of an understatement. Breathing was hard to do and I had 65 pounds of air pumped into it that stretched out my back while I was laying down.

At first my breathes were coming too fast, my chest was rising and falling, my heart was pounding. I’m claustrophobic and while I wasn’t trapped in a room or anything, my body felt completely trapped. I wanted to scream for him to undo it, but I gritted my teeth and focused on slowing down my breathing and once I calmed down, I realized it hurt, but it was feeling good at the same time. I laid there for ten minutes like that and about five minutes after I left, the pain really started. Pain was shooting through my lower back and down my leg. I knew physical therapy was going to hurt, I braced myself for it, but you can never really brace yourself for that kind of pain. What makes it so much harder, is knowing that was just the beginning. That was just my evaluation. I have to go through that again, plus some. I have to fight my inner self to go again because I don’t want to face more pain than I’m already feeling again, but I know that if I keep at it, that there is hope that my back will begin to get fixed without surgery and that my friends, is what is pushing me to go.

Going through more pain is a risk I have to take, it takes a great deal of inner strength from me, but it also means facing that fear of more pain to get my back to a better place and if you read yesterday’s blog post, you know why I want to face my fears and be brave.

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It’s easy to quit

An ache has spread through my legs, up my back and into my arms. Walking anywhere right now would be asking too much and my arms are heavy as I type this. The ache that has spread through me isn’t a bad ache, regardless of being sore. It is one of victory. It is the kind of ache your body gives you to let you know that yes, you did give it your all.

A couple of weeks ago, for two weeks I tried out Yoga Meltdown by Jillian Micheals. I noticed that while I was sore and my back had a slight throb, it didn’t kill my back to do the workout. It didn’t make me want to curl up into a ball and die, but I was doubtful. While I did it for those two days, I didn’t give it my all and then I wound up hurting my back a little more, I’m not even sure how and so I stopped. I couldn’t keep going. I was too weak. I didn’t have the strength. I didn’t want to try and fail. And so, I quit. It’s so easy to quit isn’t it? To make up excuses of why you just can’t work out, why you don’t have time or why you don’t want to. It’s so easy to doubt yourself. You have that annoying internal debate with yourself. You pump yourself up. You’re determined. You’re ready to kick that workouts ass. Then the excuses come, I know, I’ve heard them all race through my mind and it’s easy to plop down on the couch with a book or your laptop or whatever and just say you’ll do it another day. It might be easy, but if you’re like me, the guilt curls in your belly like a fist and then spreads through you, but you tell yourself there is always tomorrow. Tomorrow you will do better, tomorrow you will try, but again you don’t.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // It's easy to quit

Quote via Live.Laugh.L0ve. on Pinterest

Today was a busy day. One of those days where as soon as my feet hit the floor I’m going non stop. It was filled with making heart hand prints with twenty kindergartners {something I volunteered to do}, it was filled with an hour spent watching Jay in a school rodeo. It was filled with laundry and cleaning. Giggles and laughs during the brief moments Kage and I were home during the day while Jay was at school. I had a doctors appointment and then got stuck in traffic. I was supposed to go back up to the school for a third time to have lunch with Jay, but I didn’t make it in time and I felt horrible. I had told him though, that I might not be able to make it back in time. There was school pickup where Jay assured me he wasn’t upset. It was full of more giggles, laughs and cleaning after we got home. There was dinner and homework and bedtime. As we were working on flashcards, my mind wandered. We still had homework to finish, reading and bedtime to do. I needed to start another load of laundry and pick up the living room. I needed to write a blog post and interact on social media since I skipped a day. So why working out popped into my head, I have no idea, but there it was. You have to try again. You can do this Cassie. You ARE strong enough. I smiled as Jay kept going through his words, Yes, yes I am strong enough I mentally told myself.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // It's easy to quit

Quote via Live.Laugh.L0ve. on Pinterest

Then it came, after I laid my little ones down, my mind started filling with excuses. I’m too tired. I still have too much to do. I’m just going to fail again. It would have been so easy to just pick up the living room and then sit down to write a blog post, but I overcame those excuses. I turned on the DVD and I got to it and you know what. I pushed myself to the max. When my legs and arms were shaking when I was in a certain position, I just kept repeating in my head, You are strong Cassie. You CAN do this. Don’t quit now. And I finished strong. I know for awhile it will be a daily battle to talk myself into working out, which pisses me off more than I can put into words because I used to be that girl. I use to be that girl who laced up her shoes and hit the pavement. I used to be that girl who went to the gym. I used to be that girl that ended her night with a workout and I enjoyed it, but I know I’m not that girl anymore. My back has changed me, it has changed a part of who I am and now I struggle, but I want that girl back and I’m determined to keep going. To keep trying. To keep telling myself I can do it because eventually I won’t have to tell myself, eventually it will become natural again and eventually, I will have the strength in my body that I want. The strength that my back problems robbed from me. I will never be that same girl again, I will be better because I know what it’s like to be weak, I know what it’s like to hurt and feel pain worse than I could imagine on a regular basis, because I know what it’s like for something to change me.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // It's easy to quit

Quote via Live.Laugh.L0ve. on Pinterest

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // It's easy to quit

Quote via Live.Laugh.L0ve. on Pinterest

It’s always easy to quit, it’s hard to not give into the excuses, but you can do it. No matter how hard it is.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // It's easy to quit

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Thankful through the pain

Monday started out as Monday’s normally do. When my alarm went off, I groggily climbed out of bed and stumbled my way into the living room keeping my eyes half shut. Christmas break was officially over and it was time for school to resume, which meant life was going back to somewhat normal. A sigh escaped my lips as I realized I had no choice but to deal. So, I grabbed my tablet and pulled up Jesus Calling. Something I’ve been doing for seven days now. I soaked up God’s word and my mood already began to change. Jay and I went through the motions of getting him ready for school. A yummy breakfast that consisted of Cinnamon toast crunch {our favorite cereal}, brushing teeth, getting dressed, cartoons and making sure everything was in his backpack. I was in a pretty good mood by this point as I continued to go through the morning. Packing his snack and lunchbox. We were ahead of schedule so, we hopped in the car and headed to the grocery store because momma needed a redbull. Jay grabbed strawberry milk for himself to drink after school and a chocolate milk for Kage. Jay is sweet like that, he doesn’t usually like to leave anyone out and he is always thinking of others.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Thankful through the pain

After our trip to the gas station it was about that time to head to the school to drop him off. We were a few minutes early so I let him get in the front seat and we chatted for a few minutes.

“Are you excited to see yours friends?” I asked.
“ Yesssssss.” He answered.
“That’s good, I bet they are excited to see you too.”
“MMhmmm.” Said Jay.

He proceed to ask me questions about all the gadgets on the dashboard and I gladly answered them, soaking up this time with my sweet boy. I wasn’t ready for him to go back to school so it was nice to be able to just sit and talk to him before it was time to drop him off.

“Are you going to miss me?” I asked him.
“Yep.” He answered.
“Good, because I’m going to miss you too.” I leaned over and kissed the top of his head.

After drop off, I came home and got busy. I finished a blog post, scheduled tweets and had a three way phone call with my mom and sister. Kage got up, I got his breakfast ready and afterwards I began to clean. That was my goal for the day, to clean. I wanted my house in order. It is one of my goals for the year. I was focusing on cleaning and de-cluttering, organizing would come once all that was done. Although I did organize what I could during the cleaning and de-cluttering.

Boys bathroom clean. Check.
Boys room clean and closet clean. Double Check.
Playroom clean. Check.

Half way through cleaning the living room I felt the pain start spreading through my back like slow moving fog. It was creeping along my back and I ignored it for a bit as I continued to clean up the living room. About halfway through the living room I had to stop and take my medicine because it was really starting to bother me, but I didn’t give myself a time to rest because I knew if I stopped, I wouldn’t start again.

Living room clean. Check.
Vacuuming the living room, hallway and playroom. Triple check.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Thankful through the pain

I only had our Kitchen left to do and I so badly wanted to do it and I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anymore. The pain was becoming unbearable. I kissed Kage, turned on cartoons for him and took a shower, hoping the hot water hitting my back would help some. No, actually hell no it didn’t. I gently climbed out of the shower and slowly got dressed. I walked back into the living room and curled up on the couch in a fetal position. I stayed in that position for twenty minutes fighting back tears. I kept changing positions, trying to find a position that wouldn’t hurt and nothing was working. I eventually gave up and just laid in bed and cried as my husband held me. “I hate this.” I sobbed and his arms tightened around me.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Thankful through the pain

The rest of the day was spent with a heating pad on my back and I took more pain medicine. After a few hours the pain started to subside. Dinner time was already past and we were behind on our bedtime routine, but I let that go and just went with it because some days, I just can’t control it. So, it began. Dinner. Homework for Jay & coloring for Kage. Showers. Teeth brushing. Pajamas. Story. By the time I was ready to lay them down, the pain was back full force. I kissed and hugged both of them, tucked them in and went back to the couch where my heating pad was and that’s where I spent most of my night until bedtime.

There are days where my back doesn’t hurt as bad, the medicine works and I can go through the day with little pain and then there are days like today. When tears feel my eyes more often than not and I have to tell my kids often to hold on, just a second or I can’t right now. I hope they understand and I think they kind of do because they were angels today. Even bedtime wasn’t a nightmare. Thank you God for letting the day turn out the way it did. Had the kids been bad all day or if bedtime would have been bad, I probably would have been crying myself to sleep, but I didn’t and I’m thankful for that.

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WIWW and hating my body

I meant to have this post up this morning, but I didn’t have it scheduled or wrote yet and yesterday was Hubby & I’s eight year anniversary and we swore off cell phones and laptops for the day. Yes, I will be writing a post about what that was like. :)

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // WIWW and hating my body

Today, I want to talk about my body. Actually, I want to talk about how I hate my body right now. A little back story. Ever since I found out my back was messed up, the pain has needed to be controlled. After a couple of months of my activity being severely limited and taking my pain medicine, I began to notice I was putting on weight. I have always had a fast metabolism, I rarely worked out and I still managed to stay slim. It’s the way I have been my whole life, but as the months went on I began to wonder if my pain medicine had something to do with my sudden weight gain. I began to research it and yes it does in fact slow your metabolism way down. That’s just lovely.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // WIWW and hating my body

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // WIWW and hating my body

Having the weight come on so fast is a shock to me. I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I hate the way my stomach looks. I hate the way my pants are too tight and I’m wearing yoga pants more often for the simple fact that I don’t have to button them. I don’t like how my legs look when I sit down, my “love handles” have gotten bigger. The only positive thing is my boobs and ass have gotten bigger, ha! & Yes, I am going to bitch about it. I’ve tried to take the pain and my back being effed up with a grain of salt and just deal with it the best I can, but I am NOT okay with it changing my body.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // WIWW and hating my body

I don’t care how bad it hurts, I will be working out because, I truly do not feel good about the way I look, AT ALL. These pictures were from a couple of weeks ago & I’m just now getting around to posting them, the weight I’ve gained is worse now than when I took these pictures.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // WIWW and hating my body

I’m linking up to the Pleated Poppy.

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Writing has always been an outlet for me

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Writing has always been an outlet for me

Writing has always been an outlet for me. Weather it was in a journal or on xanga {Wow, do you remember xanga?} and now on a blog. Writing has always been a way for me to share what I’m feeling or what I’m experiencing in life or just memories that I want to make sure I never forget. Writing has been there for me when life gets hard. It gives me a place to write out everything I am feeling because sometimes I have so many thoughts running through my head that they don’t all make sense unless they are on paper {or a computer}. Even still, writing a blog, I don’t put all my feelings on here. There are feelings that are solely for me, that I don’t want shared.

Then there are times that I wonder if I should put them on here for you to read because, what if you connect with them? What if you understand them? What if you can relate to what I’m going through? It’s really a tug-o-war I have, do you have that problem too? Between wanting to share your feelings and not wanting to share them? Maybe it’s just me, but that’s how it is. For instance, if you have been reading my blog for a little while now you know that I have back problems. You can read about my feelings about that here, here and here. I got one round of injections in my back and they worked for a glorious three weeks. For three weeks I remembered what it was like to be pain free. To be able to play more with my kids without it hurting, to live life again without it hurting.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Writing has always been an outlet for me

I remember when it started coming back. When I slowly felt the pain returning. It didn’t hit me all at once. No, it was slow, it crept, like it was warning me to slow down, to savor these last few days because, I was fixing to be right back at square one. I tried to prepare myself, but you can’t really prepare yourself for that kind of pain. For that kind of disappointment that comes with knowing that the injections didn’t last as long as the doctor wanted them too. For the sadness of going back to having to limit yourself and what you do because, it hurts. It doesn’t matter that I’m on pain medicine, well, it does because it takes away a good amount of the pain, but I still hurt. Everyday.

It’s not just my back though. There is other things going on in life that are just all deciding to clash at the same time and I feel the weight of it. I’m sure everyone has moments like that in their life, where everything seems to be going on at once and you don’t know weather to scream or to cry. It’s a hard time, but it helps to write. That’s the best advice I can give when it feels like everything is against you, write it out. It doesn’t have to be public. Write it in a journal, a notebook or in a word document. Write down your feelings and read them over. That way you can get it all out. That way even if you still have bad days, you know you have a way to channel those bad days. You have a way to let it all out.

Do you journal? Do you find that you write more when life is a little bit harder than normal?

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Linking up with Amanda for Desire to Inspire.


I feel free

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // I feel free

I had a breakthrough last night. My sweet friend Megan has been leaving a lot of encouraging comments for me the past week and she has said some things that I knew she was right about and things I needed to do. Last night, she left a comment as soon as my post went live, part of her comment said “You need to say those words out loud. Because once you say them, you take their power away.” and I knew in my heart she was absolutely right.
As Hubs and I were sitting at the kitchen table having a late night meal, I brought it up. “You don’t think I have cancer do you. You don’t think that’s what they found.” He said, “No, I don’t believe that.” We continued talking some more and before I knew it tears were sliding down my face. He said of course he was concerned about me but, “I just feel like I don’t need to worry. I can’t explain it but, I just have this feeling that it’s not something I need to worry about.”
That brought some comfort. If you know my husband, you know he has a good relationship with God and his faith is extremely strong. As we continued to talk about the worrying thing, I knew there was something I needed to say and I could barely get it out through the tears that were now flowing down my cheeks and the sobs that were trying to escape. “I’m scared that I’m going to think positive and really think that the abnormality they found is nothing to worry about and then what if I go into the doctor and it is something bad.” I barely got those words out through my tears, but I managed and once I did. It was freeing.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // I feel free

I said it out loud and I think it made him understand the war of emotions going on inside me because, before the sentence was even finished he was reaching for me and he hugged and kissed me so much. He let me cry, which if you remember from yesterday’s post – that’s what I needed. Then, last night I was talking to my best friend. I let it all off my chest. Everything I was feeling and everything I didn’t like about this whole situation and I made it through that conversation without a tear.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // I feel free

God is helping me in ways he knows I need and he is making me stronger. I know I’m still going to have my moments of weakness until my doctors appointment, but I can already feel some of my emotional strength returning after those two conversations with people I care deeply about who care about me.
Again, I want to thank you all so much for the continued prayers and emails and comments. They mean so incredibly much to me.

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Broken

Since the news about my MRI has spread to family and friends. I get a lot of texts that go some version, “Hey, how are you holding up.” My response is normally, “Eh, I’m hanging in there.” That’s true to a point. What I don’t normally ad is “I’m hanging in there on a very small rope that I’m sure I’m going to fall off of at any moment.” Because, people don’t want to hear that. People don’t want to hear that you’re barely hanging on emotionally and I get that. It makes me sad when I know someone is really sad or hurt or upset.
In the same breath though, instead of saying “That’s good. You’re going to be just fine.” It would be nice to get, “I have the other end of that rope, I’m not going to let you fall and it’s okay to NOT be okay.” I had two blog friends who actually said something that I immediately thought both times, thank God – there is someone who gets it.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Broken

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Broken

& I hope that this doesn’t come off as I don’t appreciate the “You’re going to be okay talks” because I very much do. I need to hear that because, I need to know eventually I’m going to be okay. I need that reminder, but right now I’m not okay and I need that to be okay. If you know me in real life you know I put on a very strong front when I’m upset. I smile, I laugh and I act like I’m totally fine when inside I’m crying, when inside I’m broken.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Broken

Tears come way too easily these days. I pray more and beg God about things way more than I ever have. My mind races way too much. Sleep is hard. Sleep is something I use to welcome, sleep is something I used to look forward to. You know that moment your head hits the pillow and the days events play through your head and you doze off in to dream land. Yeah, I very much looked forward to that.
Now, I find myself afraid to go to sleep. When my head hits that pillow I know sleep won’t find me for sometime. I know that prayers, crying and what ifs fill my mind before I fall asleep and it has even affected my dreams. Something I once longed for has become something I no longer look forward to. I hugged my mother yesterday and the whole time I was fighting back tears, I didn’t want her to see me cry again. I don’t like being weak, I don’t like shedding tears that in the end seem pointless because I can’t change anything right now.
Right now my back is screwed and I am scared. That is what I know right now. What I know right now is I’m stressed and vulnerable. What I know right now is I don’t know what tomorrow or the next day is going to look like. I’m just ready for some answers, I’m ready for a plan. I’m ready for them to fix what they can and tell me the other thing that they can’t identify right now.
I’m ready for someone to just hold me and let me cry until I have no more tears to shed. Until I’m ready to feel strong again. Until I’m ready to accept what is and move on. Don’t get me wrong, my husband will let me cry on his shoulder as long as I want but, he’s one of those “You’re going to be fine, it’s going to be okay” and while I love him for that and I appreciate him for that. I need a “here is my shoulder, because right in this moment you are not okay.”

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