Tuesday I shared how we brought Kade home from the hospital over the weekend. It truly has been amazing having him home and I have a hard time putting him down because for five weeks there were so many times I couldn’t hold him. As you know, we had to come home without Jax. When I first left the hospital without either of my babies, it was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced in my life. The pain of leaving your baby or in my case, babies, in the nicu, is a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I would never want anyone to experience what that is like because it damages you in a way you can’t quite put into words. I never imagined that anything would be harder or hurt worse than leaving them both there, but I was so very wrong.

While I am beyond thrilled to have Kade home and I wouldn’t change it for the world, coming home with one of my babies and not the other is breaking me. I had hoped I would be too busy, too sleep-deprived, too anything, to be able to focus on how upset I am about having one of my babies home and not the other, but that’s not the case. I am very much too tired; I feel like I’m running in a race and can’t stop to catch my breath, I’m very much busy; between having a baby home and everything that comes with having a baby home, my older two boys, cleaning, laundry, school, and still trying to find time to get up to the hospital to see Jax, you would think I wouldn’t have time to be that upset or to be able to focus on how upset I am. Most of the day, I am too busy to think about it, to let myself go to that place that hurts, but random times throughout the day the pain of not having Jax home hits me.

I have started crying in the middle of folding laundry. I had to fight back tears while playing with Kade yesterday because while I was soaking in that beautiful moment with Kade, Jay, and Kage, I was aching to be able to do the same with Jax. I cried listening to I’m already there by Lonestar on the way home from seeing Jax the other day. I’ve fought back tears making bottles because, as odd as it sounds, I want to be making double what I am, but I’m not because I only have one baby here right now. The crying doesn’t last very long, but it rips through me randomly as you can see and I’ve just accepted it. I’ve accepted the pain in my heart is going to be there until I have both my babies home with me, until I can cuddle, kiss, and hold them both whenever I want to. Until I’m even more sleep-deprived than I already am and until I’m even more busy than I already am. I know that the random tears are going to happen until Jax comes home to be with us too.

We were so close to having him home. He had gone eight days without dropping his heart rate, he is eating all his bottles, and gaining weight and earlier this week they talked about having him come home in a day or two, he even passed his car seat test, but on that 8th day, he dropped his heart rate again and has dropped it every day since. It’s breaking my heart. He was so close to coming home, we were so close to having him here, I got my hopes up, and then watched as they all crashed down because he has to stay longer and now we don’t know when he will be coming home. We don’t know if he will be home for Christmas like we had hoped. I’ll be talking to the doctor today to see what he plans to do to find out why Jax is dropping his heart rate again and I can only pray it’s nothing major.

I know I keep popping in and out of blogging and social media. Things keep happening that are taking me by surprise so everything else has been getting put on the back burner. Things like getting a phone call on Thursday from the doctor telling me to bring Kade’s car seat up to the hospital to do his car seat test. That wasn’t what shocked me though, what shocked me was the doctor saying, “If he passes his test, you can room in tomorrow, and he will more than likely go home on Saturday.” We knew Kade was doing really well and would probably be coming home soon, we just didn’t realize it would be that soon. I began frantically cleaning the house and finishing up the nursery. Afterwards, I headed up to the hospital with car seat in hand. I was excited, but trying really hard not to get my hopes up and trying not to think about the face that Jax wouldn’t be coming home with him if he passed his test.

Well, I called later that night after the car seat test was complete and found out that he passed. I squealed and thanked the nurse for letting me know. I told her I would be up there tomorrow afternoon to room in. As soon as I hit the end button on the phone, the tears just started falling. One of my babies was coming home and one wasn’t. I was so beyond happy and so beyond sad at the same time. That’s a post for another day though. The next day, I was a bundle of excitement. I packed my bag for the hospital, I packed the boys bags to stay the night at my moms, and I packed Kade’s coming home outfit. I just couldn’t believe this was really happening. I got to the hospital around 4pm. I said hi to my babies, set my stuff down in the room Kade and I would be staying in, and began watching the CPR dvd. That was one stipulation to them coming home, we had to learn CPR. Afterwards, I was talking to my favorite nurse as she explained some things to me about rooming in. Then, I watched her unhook Kade from the monitors that he has been on since he has been born. My heart fluttered. He hasn’t had any problems with his heart rate dropping since a few days after he was born, but still, you get used to those monitors, and seeing it with little x’s where his oxygen and heart rate normally were, freaked me out a bit. I took a deep breath and willed my heart to calm down, he was fine and he was going to continue to be fine I told myself.

We walked down the hall, into the room, and then it was just him and I. I was finally getting one of my babies all to myself. It was amazing. I got to hold him as much as I wanted, talk to him whenever, and just stare at him. The room had a huge bed that Kade and I spent most of our rooming in time on. I laid him down and stared at his sweet face. When he was awake I was talking to him and watching his every facial expression. When he would fall asleep, I curled him into my side and alternated between watching tv and staring at him. The night went wonderful. He woke up every three hours to eat and he did great each time. Even through my tiredness, I was beyond happy. The next morning, after the doctor came in, he cleared us to leave, and Kade was discharged from the hospital.

His first day home was wonderful. We were all so happy to have him home. The boys were totally smitten with their baby brother and Hubby and I couldn’t steal enough baby kisses. I kept telling Hubby, “I can’t believe he’s home.” We waited five weeks for this moment and it was amazing. Both sets of grandparents came to visit him, along with Hubby’s aunt. Aside from our few visitors, we have just been enjoying our time with him home in between going to the hospital to see Jax.

Kade has been doing awesome being home. We just can’t get enough of him. =D

The day after my c-section I was more than ready to go home. I seriously hate staying in the hospital if I don’t have to be there. Every time I’ve stayed in the hospital, pain and/or surgery has been involved, therefore, I try to get out of there as quickly as possible. I talked to the doctor about the possibility of me leaving, she said I looked fantastic, but she normally likes women to stay 48 hours after they had a c-section, but since I was doing so well, she was going to come back around six p.m. to check on me and if I was still doing good, I was going to be able to go home. While I was waiting for it to be six o’clock. I managed to take a shower and put regular clothes on. She came back right on time like she said she would and after checking me, decided I could go home. I was so happy to be getting out of the hospital, but I was overwhelmed with sadness when it came to leaving my babies. The whole time I was being wheeled to the SUV, I was fighting back tears. As soon as we pulled out of the parking lot, the tears started falling.

I whispered to my husband, “Does it feel like your heart is breaking?” He shook his head yes. He glanced over at me, saw the tears streaming down my face so, he reached one arm over, put it on my shoulder, and pulled me as close to him as the SUV would allow.

Everyday since then, when I have gone to visit them, I have literally had to force myself to leave them. I’ve had to force myself to put one foot in front of the other until I’m in my car. It has been three weeks since they were born and leaving them hasn’t gotten easier, the way I’m dealing with it has changed though. The first two weeks I cried in my car every time I left. I was the lady driving down the road, wearing sunglasses, with tears rolling down her cheeks. Starting the third week, I start getting teary eyed when I have to lay them down in their beds now that I get to hold them and when I walk out of the hospital, I’ve noticed that my mood shifts. Something in me shuts down, I become quiet, kinda distant, and my mood is sad instead of happy like it was when I was holding them. I know why this happens, I know it’s because I’m leaving half of my heart behind. I know it’s because to me, I didn’t get to hold them long enough, I didn’t kiss their sweet heads enough. I know it’s because I’m leaving them, when all I wanna do is stay.

I’m the type of person who feels things deeply, I can feel every single emotion as it happens, and whose emotions {no matter what emotion it is} consume me. I’m the type of person who feels, lives, and embraces each emotion as it comes. Leaving them is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and the hardest heartbreak I’ve ever felt. I’ve been told by a very sweet friend {whose daughter has been in nicu for over two months now}, that it gets easier, I believe her, but because of who I am, I’m afraid it’s not going to.

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