Lost time

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I remember the day the twins were born. The memory is vivid and when I close my mind and think about it, I remember every detail as if it were happening again. When I heard the nurse who was checking me utter the words, “You’re having these babies today.” Through the pain, mess of tears, and chaos in my brain; I tried to prepare myself for the time I was going to have to be away from them. Truth be told, there really is no way to prepare a mother to not get to hold her babies right away, to have to leave them, and to lose that precious time with them. I knew having two young kids at home meant I wasn’t going to get to spend a lot of time at the hospital with the twins. I was able to spend three to four hours max with them everyday. The first five or six days I didn’t even get to hold them. That time where a mother is cuddling her precious bundle of joy and soaking in those first few days of their newborn, I didn’t get that. That time was taken from me.

There was so much time I lost with them. Most of the day I couldn’t be with them. I lost many hours in a day that I wish I would have been able to have with them. When I would lay down and go to sleep at night, I would cry thinking about how they weren’t home with me. How I was missing watching them fall asleep at night. How I was missing rocking them to sleep, singing to them, and being so tired but not wanting to put them down. For five weeks I ached for both of them to be home, to make up for that time that was lost. Then Kade came home and I began to make up time with him and yet, I still ached every night for two more weeks for Jax. I lost time with him on his first Christmas because he was still in nicu. Then, the day after Christmas, I had both my babies home. The amount of happy I was, was indescribable. To be near me though, you could feel the happiness and joy radiating off of me. I was so beyond tired with both of them home, but I was bathed in joy. Hubby had been sick since Christmas morning and naturally, the babies got sick too. Kade handled it better though and didn’t get as sick, Jax however, got very sick and the day after New Years, he was back in the hospital.

He was there for thirteen days. I remember getting frustrated because I just wanted my baby home again. Once again time was being taken away from me and dammit it just wasn’t fair. I was back to crying myself to sleep every night. I was back to driving to a hospital every day. I was back to only being able to spend a few hours a day with my baby. When they told me he could finally come home, I would have drove through hell to get to him. The bad thing about Jay being in school is that he brings home tons of germs And even though I disinfect my house, we sanitize our hands, and wash our hands; Kage caught something from whatever Jay brought home. He was coughing, had a runny nose, and just down right didn’t feel good. I was taking care of him and making sure he stayed away from the babies, but the next day the babies didn’t feel good. They got progressively worse as the day went on and they both wound up in the hospital the day they turned three months old. Jax was hospitalized on Saturday and Kade was in the er on Sunday, but thank God he was able to come home.

Jax couldn’t though and he’s still there. He’s much better and should be home in a couple days, but he’s been away from me for six days so far. More time stripped away. I can’t even explain the amount of upset I am. I’ve asked God why this keeps happening. I’ve cried and I’ve begged. I’ve ached and I’ve hurt. Jax has spent more time in the hospital than he has with me and that kills me. That hurts something inside of me so fiercely that I’m not sure it can be fixed. I know every time he gets sick now, I’m going to mentally prepare myself for him to be away from me until proven otherwise. I know every time he sneezes, I’m going to be afraid of what it could lead to. I don’t know if I can make up for the time he’s been away from me, for the time we have lost, but I do know when he comes home again, I’m sure as hell going to try.

I’m linking up with Casey for On My Heart.


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Sharing what’s on my heart for our coffee date

Hey friends. I was supposed to have my vlog done and up for today, but between getting sick yesterday and the boys not wanting to listen at bedtime, I’m hoping to have it finished and up tomorrow! So, in the meantime, if you have any questions you want me to answer… ask away and I’ll answer them in tomorrow’s vlog! Now, on to our coffee date.

If we were meeting for coffee…

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Sharing what's on my heart for our coffee date

I would probably talk about the pregnancy. We had a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday where we were supposed to listen to their heartbeats, but baby A was being stubborn and kept moving every time she put the doppler on it so, we got an unexpected sonogram. We loved getting to see the babies and their heartbeats were perfect. They are growing right on target and look so great. Baby B even decided to wave at us. Baby A was pretty much just relaxed and wanted nothing to do with being on screen. Lol. I would tell you that I’ve started feeling a little bit of movement. It’s not all the time and I can’t feel them really good, but every once in awhile, I’ll be laying in just the right position and I can feel them moving around. It’s such a beautiful feeling and I can’t wait until I can feel them move everyday.

If we were meeting for coffee…

I would tell you that I’ve been thinking about what life is going to be like with twins. For the most part I am really excited for what our future is going to be like with our two boys and the twins, but I also have a couple of moments where I freak out. I mean, how can you not freak out when you already have two kids with twins on the way? Knowing that they are probably going to be hungry at the same time, crying at the same time, etc. and having to take care of both of them at the same time and take care of the boys. Thankfully the boys are at a really helpful age, but they still need their momma. I know for awhile I am going to be beyond sleep deprived, beyond tired, and my heart is going to be beyond filled with love. I know it’s going to be chaotic at first, especially until we get into a routine, but I’m trying to remind myself to embrace the chaos that is to come.

If we were meeting for coffee…

I would tell you that when we first found out I was pregnant and my mom started joking around about me having twins, I was completely against it. The thought of twins terrified me. It still kinda freaks me out a bit, but from the moment I saw both of them on that monitor, I wanted them bad. I loved them instantly and I couldn’t imagine not being pregnant with twins now. I would tell you that my morning sickness is finally started to go away. I still get sick once or twice a week, but that’s much better than multiple times a day so I’ll take it. I would tell you, watching my belly start to grow is truly beautiful to me. There is nothing in this world like being pregnant and knowing a life, or in my case, lives are growing inside of you. Watching your stomach take on the shape it needs to, to make room for the growing babies, is truly amazing. I have a feeling I’m going to get huge, but for now, it’s just a little bump and I’ve only gained a pound.

If we were meeting for coffee…

I would tell you that I finally had to buy maternity clothes because my regular clothes no longer fit. I really, really dislike maternity bottoms so I haven’t bought any and I probably won’t, but I did find a couple of really cute maternity tops that I think are going to last me awhile.

If we were meeting for coffee…

I would ask you… How are you? How’s life? How’s your family? Now that I’ve shared with you what’s on my heart, share with me what’s on yours.

I’m linking up with Casey for On My Heart.

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How do you have hope without having too much?

If we were meeting for Coffee, I would ask you to meet me at Starbucks.. I would practically beg you. After the night I had, I would need to get out of the house, get some fresh air. It’s beautiful here in Texas, it’s supposed to be beautiful until the afternoon so I would suggest we take our coffee’s out on the Starbucks porch instead of sitting inside. After we settled in and got through the basic how are yous & how is life questions, I would tell you that I really need to talk. I would apologize in advance, I would even promise you a second cup of coffee that way you could get anything you wanted off your chest, but the plea in my eye would be real and I would hope you would nod your head and ask me what was wrong. Because this time I wouldn’t say it’s nothing or I’m fine. I wouldn’t brush it off with a careless wave of my hand, I would take a deep breath, let it out and tell you..

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // How do you have hope without having too much?

Last night my sister got out of jail. {read the story here} I had no intention of talking to her last night, as a matter of fact, I had no intention of talking to her for quite some time. I would explain how on impulse I got this urge to call her with every intention of giving her a piece of my mind. I tried so hard to shake it off, to ignore it, but I couldn’t and finally I was asking for the number where she was and dialing before I could stop myself. I still had every intention of being this cold hard bitch and then she answered the phone. Her voice came through and after they “Hey.” We exchanged, I said “How was jail.” There was a beat of silence and then she was like.. “CASSIE?!!” a laugh escaped her, “Oh my god I didn’t recognize your voice for a second, I haven’t heard it in so long.” I felt my cold hard shell break. She sounded happy. Truly happy for the first time in I don’t even know how long to hear me on the other end of the phone and not only did she sound happy, she sounded different.

She was in jail for thirty days, she has been sober for thirty days and I could hear that soberness in here. I chocked back a sob. I would tell you that I couldn’t tell you the last time I had a conversation with her when she was sober. The last time she sounded so damn happy to be talking to me. The last time I was actually talking to my sister and not my sister on drugs. We chatted for a few, breezy light conversation. She told me about jail and I told her about the newest update with my back since she asked. Then came the hard part and I’m fighting back tears once again, she talks about how she’s been reading the bible. How she knows, now that she’s sober, how bad she fucked up. How stupid she feels. She told me about the outpatient rehab she is going to go to and how she wants her family back and how she know the change has to start with her. As much as I wanted to be all, “Oh my god, that’s amazing and so wonderful.” I couldn’t. I did however tell her that I was happy she was out of jail, that I’m glad she is finding God {thank you all for your prayers, please keep praying} and then I had to say it.

I paused, took a deep breath and just let it out, “I want you to know I’m glad you are wanting to go down the right patch. I’m happy you are sober and wanting to change for the better. I’m always only a phone call away, I’m your sister and I’m here, but it’s not going to be easy. You hurt me and I can’t just trust you again.”

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // How do you have hope without having too much?

She understood, she agreed and she knew why I felt that way. I continued, “I hope you stay sober.” My voice hitched, “I hope you stay on this path.” My voice broke and the tears fell, “Because I just want my sister. That’s all I want. I don’t want to have to bury you.”By now she was in tears as well, telling me she didn’t want that life anymore, she wanted better and so on, “I was talking to a friend and she told me her brother went down a very similar path and they had to bury him.” My voice broke again and a fresh wave of tears rolled down my cheeks, “I don’t want that.” I barely got out. We dried our tears, had a little more conversation before we hung up. I immediately called my mom to tell her about the conversation and that resulted in even more tears. Worse than the tears before. My mom and I can always talk about anything, even if we get emotional or snappy with each other and I love that.

After those two conversations, I just feel defeated. I told myself I wasn’t going to be the fixer anymore and what did I do, I tried to be the fixer. The fixer is always the one that winds up in tears, it’s inevitable, whether they are happy tears or sad ones, it happens. I just, I want to believe she’s going to change. I want to believe she is going to do everything she says she’s going to do, but it’s so hard. It’s so hard to believe it, but I don’t want to just assume she is going to fail either because I don’t want her to fail. I desperately want her to make it, to have that good life that most people have. To never go down the path she did again and yet at the same time, I’m so scared to have too much hope because it will just crush me if it goes bad.

If we were meeting for coffee.. I would ask you what you would do? Do you have any advice for me? How does one stay strong is such a situation, how does one not have too much hope, but enough to let her know I believe in her? How do I just stop fucking crying every single time I think about it?

After I wiped my eyes and bought you another cup of coffee for listening to be cry, I would ask you how life is? How are your kids? {if you have any} Anything new and exciting going on? Anything you want to talk about? I’m all ears..

I’m linking up with Alissa for Coffee and Casey for on my heart.

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She needs a miracle

As I sit here and type, the hunger games is playing quietly on my TV, the house is almost completey dark and the rain is falling slowly from the sky. I just got back from having breakfast with my mom. When I walked Jay into school today, the rain drops were softly hitting us on the head, his little hand was in mine and he looked up at me.

A smile lit his face, “Mommy, I know a song about rain.”
I couldn’t help but smile back, wondering if it was the same one running through my head, “You do? Let’s hear it!”
“Rain, rain, go away.” He started.
“Come again another day.” I continued with him.

We kept singing until we hit the doors and it was such a sweet little memory on a gloomy day. Afterwards, I decided to grab some good ol McDonalds breakfast and head to my mom’s house. We ate and talked and the conversation was somewhat heavy and a lot is weighing on my heart as I write this. It’s hard for me to share this, I never wanted to have to write about this on my blog. I’m not even sure I will be able to hit publish, but I have to get it out. I have to let it go.

So please, grab a cup of coffee and join me as I tell you about losing someone who is still alive.

She needs a miracle via @clivelaughl0ve

My heart often aches for her. Not in the way that I feel sorry for her, but in a way that she still means something to me and it kills me to see this happening to her. For most of my life I thought I knew who she was and around the time I was nineteen, pregnant with my first baby, she showed up to my baby shower on drugs. She didn’t even care enough about this special moment in my life to show up sober, she didn’t care enough to be there for me. Once I figured out who she really was and what she was doing, I wanted to help her. I love her, of course I wanted to help her, how could I not? And so it began. The talks, the pleading and the promises to get better. The lies, the heartache and the tears that were shed. I don’t think I’ve ever hurt so much and cried so much because of one person.

As I sit here and write this I think of all that could have been. The memories we were supposed to make as we continued to grow up together. The memories our children could have made growing up together. The bond she was supposed to share with my children. The bond I was supposed to share with hers. I’ve watched her go down this path for so long. I’ve pleaded, yelled and talked to her. I tried to fix our family more times than I can count when she went on one of her destroying rages. I’ve begged her to get help, I’ve begged her to talk to me, to lean on me and to let me be there for her. I’ve let her cry as I listened and I’ve cried with her. For years, I’ve watched her destroy her life and everything in it.

She needs a miracle via @clivelaughl0ve

Now she’s finally spiraled out of control. I can’t count how many times I’ve tried to save her from herself. How many times I’ve told her to find God. How many tears I have shed from the pain that not only she has caused, but from the pain of watching her do this. From the pain of being utterly helpless. I’ve prayed and begged. My husband’s held me as I cried over this on more than one occasion. There was one day in particular, after the last time she had hurt me, hurt other people I love dearly. My husband sat on the couch and I was sitting on the floor. My legs were crossed, I was leaned forward, resting my head on my arms.

“I don’t know what to do anymore.” I admitted to him, “I’m supposed to be the fixer. I know God wants me to be because that’s what I’ve done for so long.” I paused, holding back tears before I went on, “I just don’t know if I have the strength to do it anymore.”
I’ll never forget what he said, “Cassie, honestly, how much can one person take? How many times can you keep doing this?”
I shook my head slowly, wanting so badly to deny that he was right and I couldn’t, “I can’t.” I whispered.
I saw the understanding in his eyes, “Then don’t.”

She needs a miracle via @clivelaughl0ve

It was in that moment that I decided this was no longer in my hands. I have tried everything in the book to help her and I have forgiven here countless times. I had to let her go. I had to lose someone I loved. I told my mom this morning, “I’m afraid we are really going to lose her. I don’t want to have to bury my sister.” A lump formed in my throat that I had to swallow.

If you have ever watched a loved one go down a destructive path, you understand the helplessness I’m feeling, that most of my family is feeling. What makes it even worse is she doesn’t even care. She doesn’t care how her life is turning out, she doesn’t care that she has burned every bridge, she doesn’t care that she has hurt all the people who were there for her and it kills me.

The only thing left to do is continue to pray for her and so, if we were meeting for coffee today, after I shared this story, I would ask. No, I would beg you to pray for her. Pray for a miracle to happen. She needs a miracle.

I’m linking up with Casey for on my heart & Alissa for coffee date.

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On my heart – being “trapped” with your family

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // On my heart - being "trapped" with your family

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // On my heart - being "trapped" with your family

As I have mentioned on here in my last couple of posts, we have been iced in. The ice is finally melting, but schools are still closed due to ice on sidewalks, parking lots and some side streets are still coated in ice. I have been enjoying this time SO much. We did venture out yesterday and I plan on doing the same today, but I haven’t minded being iced in with my family. In fact, I have loved it. I have loved spending SO much extra time with my husband, so much extra time as a family. We’ve created memories, laughed and had fun while being iced in.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // On my heart - being "trapped" with your family

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // On my heart - being "trapped" with your family

But something that bothers me is, I have seen a ton of complaining on facebook. No, not about the cold or about having cabin fever. I get both of those, it can be hard being “trapped” inside your house and it being freezing outside. What is bothering me is the amount of, “Schools need to reopen.” “I’m going crazy.” Bordem. Annoyance. The list goes on. Most of these people are at home with their spouses, their kids and all I can think is what in the hell? You can’t take being inside with your family for four days? You can’t soak in those extra moments? You can’t actually have a conversation with your spouse for four days or play and laugh and entertain your little ones for four days? Is it really that bad?

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // On my heart - being "trapped" with your family

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // On my heart - being "trapped" with your family

I don’t know about you, but when I say my children and my husband are my world I mean it. Don’t get me wrong, the boys fought, I yelled quite a bit, but that’s normal. We were in fact “trapped” inside and trying endlessly to come up with things to do, but we did. We did find things to do, fun to have, memories to make and conversation to carry on. I dunno, maybe my brain just functions differently and I enjoy being “trapped” with my family, they are the best people in the world to be trapped with, even during the hard times. These times are precious. Time is flying by, literally. Our kids are growing up. We are getting older and yet people barely lasted two days before the posts on facebook started.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // On my heart - being "trapped" with your family

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // On my heart - being "trapped" with your family

Maybe I’m being too harsh, but when did it become a problem to be at home with your family. For it to just be you and your spouse or you and your little {or big} family? When was getting out and away from your home so important? This is our home, this is a place I love, this is a place where most of our memories are made and even when things are rough, we enjoy it and we enjoy each others company.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // On my heart - being "trapped" with your family

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // On my heart - being "trapped" with your family

Who cares if you are “trapped” with your family? Make memories dammit and stop complaining because this life is too damn short.

I’m linking up to On my heart & Weekly brew.

Life, moments and time

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Life, moments and time

Life doesn’t just slow down.
Moments don’t just hold on.
Time doesn’t just stop.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Life, moments and time

How many times have you found yourself wishing away time. “Oh, I can’t wait until Friday.” “Ugh, I just wish this day was over already.” “God why is time going so slow?” Those are probably all things we utter and all things we will probably continue to utter because, we live in a “here today, gone tomorrow” world. We want certain dates to get here and we want bad days to just end. We hope that when we wake up in the morning, the day will be much better. Any of this sounding familiar? Or how about, “Only two more hours until bedtime.” “The kids are driving me crazy, can’t they go to sleep already?” Again, these are things I’ve muttered to myself.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Life, moments and time

& then there are moments when I just look at them and think wow, look how big they are. There are times, tears form in my eyes because, they are growing much too fast and here I am, wishing time away more often than not. There are times I look at the pictures I have taken and relive the memory of that photo as tears sting my eyes. Because in that moment, that was it. That was the moment we had, that was the time I was able to freeze, that was a memory captured. I look at their faces in the pictures and I memorize everything I can about that picture, about that moment.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Life, moments and time

It’s always a battle to enjoy every moment and “wishing” time would go faster. We live in a time and place where everything is supposed to be fast paced, we are supposed to look to tomorrow and the future and what comes next. We live in a time and place where the here and now doesn’t seem as important as what’s to come. I want to change that, I strive to change that. I want to teach my kids how important it is to be in the moment they are in. How important it is to make those memories and hold onto them. I want to teach them how precious time is.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Life, moments and time

“To learn to appreciate minutes… will take years.” — Unknown

I’m linking up with Amanda for Desire to Inspire and Casey for On my heart.

I still need you

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // I still need you

Jay was having a hard time falling asleep last night. He had gotten up several times, with several different excuses, but the last time he was actually crying. So, with a little huff of my breath, I told Hubby I would be right back and I walked into the boys room. Kage was sound asleep in his bed and Jay was laying in his, his eyes were open, but they were heavy. I knew he was tired. I sat on the floor next to his bed and gently stroked his hair until his eyes closed and I watched a small little smile cross his lips. I was hoping this would give him the push he needed to finally fall fast asleep. When I thought it had, I got up and went back to snuggling with Hubby on the couch. A few minutes later Jay comes out of the room and says.

“I still need you mommy.”

My heart went into my throat. Sometimes we forget just how little they are. At five years old Jay likes to prove his independence so much and show us that he is such a big boy. His words hit me and I once again told Hubby I would be back. Hubby smiled and looked at me and said, “but I need you too.” I told him that he lost tonight because, {hopefully} Hubby will always tell me he needs me, just like I tell him.

But I know there will come a day that Jay won’t utter those words so often. When he’s a teenager, he definitely won’t be telling me he needs me to come sit on his floor so he can fall asleep, when he’s a teenager, he will need me in a different way and he may not always say it. I know when I was a teenager, I needed my mom and I didn’t always let her know that. So for now, even after a long day, I will cherish those beautiful times that Jay whispers to me,

“I still need you mommy.”

It’s exactly what my heart needs to hear.


Time is already going so fast

Being an aspiring published author, I tend to be a people watcher. I notice the way people stand, how they fidget, how they hold themselves, how they move, etc. Over the years I’ve noticed that so many people seem to be in a big rush and so many people want instant gratification. I’ve noticed people tend to “not have time” more than they “have time.” Oh, I haven’t read in awhile, I just don’t have time for it. I used to love to craft, but I just can’t fit it in. I’ve heard that along with SO much more of, “Oh I used to or I haven’t” because, they just don’t have time. What happened to spending hours reading a book from cover to cover because, you just couldn’t put it down? What happened to actually doing those crafts you want to do, simply because, you wanted to do them?

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Time is already going so fast

I get it. I understand days aren’t long enough and time seems to go so fast, but that’s the thing. Time is already going so fast, so why are we in such a rush to make it go faster. Why do we bounce from one thing to another, attempting to cram everything into one day and then longing for the things we once enjoyed doing? I just think people need to slow down, people need to enjoy life a little more and doing the things they love a little more. I don’t care how busy my day is or how much stuff I have to get done, if my boys want my attention, they have it. If at the end of day my to-do list is still not done, but I’m craving to read or craft or blog, I do it.

All we have is now. All we are guaranteed is this moment. Time is flying by so fast that before you know it, ten years is going to go by, your kids are going to be older and so are you and all those memories you wish you stopped and made, all those things you had wanted to do, are now regrets because, you just didn’t have the time. I don’t remember where I heard this, but it stuck with me, “You can always make time for the things you love” & it’s true. I’m willing to bet you make time for your kids and your spouse, you love them, so of course you do. If you love working, writing, blogging, crafting, decorating your home, reading, whatever – you learn to make time for it.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Time is already going so fast

Don’t let this precious time we have, go by so fast that you don’t get to make those memories or do those things you love to do. Live in the now. Stop worrying about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worry of it’s own. {Matthew 6:34} Enjoy every moment. Do everything that you love.

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Coffee Date + On my heart

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Coffee Date + On my heart

Hello friends. It’s Friday and I am thrilled. Having my husband home all weekend is always a blessing. If we were meeting for Coffee I would probably want to meet at Starbucks this week. I have been making sure I’m getting out of the house more often and a coffee date at Starbucks sounds perfect.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Coffee Date + On my heart

If we were meeting for coffee I would tell you that I am SO hard on myself when it comes to how my body looks. I bought a gorgeous dress from Venus.com and I wanted to take pictures using my tripod. I was semi successful I guess you could say, but I only like two or three of the pictures out of about 15 I took. I always get bummed out because I see all these other ladies who pose with grace and they look stunning.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Coffee Date + On my heart

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Coffee Date + On my heart

I on the other hand am just starting out with really getting into fashion and I am not comfortable in front of the camera and I think that shows. I think it shows that the whole time in my head I repeat, “why are you doing this, your not going to like any of the pictures and your poses are going to be nothing compared to hers or hers.”

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Coffee Date + On my heart

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Coffee Date + On my heart

The problem I realize is I am comparing my beginning to someone elses middle. I’m sure in the beginning those ladies who i admire for looking so flawless and adorable in there poses were probably terrified, had doubts and were completely unsure if they should even be wasting their time doing outfit posts.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Coffee Date + On my heart

Being in front of the camera is scary. Trying to find your inner diva when you aren’t comfortable with your body is hard. But, after I look at the pictures and once I made myself start comparing myself to others, I realized they weren’t as bad as I thought and I feel the next time I bust out my tripod I may actually feel a little confident and it may show. It will be a work in progress so we shall see.
I would also tell you I really want a yellow statement necklace like this one and some cute yellow heels to go with this dress I’m wearing!
I would ask you if you have body image issues? How do you deal with them? I would also ask if you are shy when the camera comes out or if you love it and live it up?!
I hope you all have a wonderful Friday.
I’m linking up with Alissa @ Rags to Stitches and Casey @ The Weigands and Lena @ Lena B, Actually and Two Thirty-Five Designs.

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On my heart – coffee date

Hey friends. How are you this morning? I would love for you to join me for coffee this morning {oh how I wish this was a real possibility} I would warn you before hand that I have a lot on my heart today. Please grab your favorite coffee and get comfortable because, if we were meeting for coffee today – it would quite possibly turn into lunch too.

If we met for coffee I would start off wanting to know how YOU are? How is life treating you? How is your family and your kids? {if you ave any} After we chatted about your life and ordered our second round of coffee, I would tell you that motherhood is on my heart today. I would ask that even if you don’t have kids or you can’t relate if we could talk about that. Because, I have to talk about it.
I would tell you sometimes I think I am failing at this whole motherhood thing. Times when I am sitting in the middle of my bed or slumped against my bathroom door as silent tears roll down my face as I battle with my kids. Kids that are three and five and I already feel like I’m loosing. I would tell you I’m one of those parents that pick and choose my battles. I let certain things slide while I stand firm on others. Oh, how my heart aches when it comes to those others.

I would tell you that when my kids have gotten out of bed for the hundredth time at night and I’ve yelled all I want to yell. I feel like I’m failing. I know plenty of other kids who happily fall asleep without a fuss and yet my angels want to fight me every step of the way.
I would tell you my youngest literally threw a thirty minute hellacious fit today because I wouldn’t let him have another cup of milk. {Yes, i try to limit his milk intake} I’m talking screaming, crying, banging on my bedroom door {because that was where timeout was} and making the worst angry face at me. There came a point in that thirty minutes that I felt defeated. I sat on the living room floor and stared at the wall fighting back tears. Over milk.

I would tell you that I love my boys more than life its self. I would do anything for them. They make me laugh on a daily basis and can be so sweet and so amazing. But, when they are bad – they are bad. I would tell you that going out to dinner is a nightmare these days. I would tell you I hate admitting that motherhood has made me cry but, I know I’m not alone in it. I know I’m not the only mother going through this phase in motherhood right now.
I would tell you that while I adore talking about how sweet my kids are and all of the wonderful cute little things they do, that sometimes I need to talk about the not so easy things and that be okay. I would tell you that motherhood isn’t always easy but, it wasn’t meant to be.

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