Depression and Suicide

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Depression and Suicide

When I first found out about the passing of Robin Williams, I was incredibly sad. This man that has been in some of my favorite movies for years, was no longer alive. When I found out he took his own life, I was not only completely shocked, I was heartbroken. This “happy” man who had spent his career making people laugh, had committed suicide. However, it wasn’t until I saw the tweet from TheAcademy on Twitter, that I started crying. “Genie, you’re free.” It wasn’t long before I saw some of the anger and backlash about that little tweet. “Suicide is not freeing.” People cried in outrage. “It shouldn’t be looked at as freeing.”

I could see the point of why people were/are saying that and I can see why people were upset by it. It does make it sound like suicide would be a good thing for someone considering it because that person would be “free” from their pain. Yes, Robin Williams is now free. He is free from the pain, sadness, and hurt he felt. He is free from the demons he felt he couldn’t escape. He is free from whatever it was that was consuming him. We didn’t know his story, but he is free from those things. But…

His family isn’t free… His family isn’t free from wondering how they didn’t see it coming. They are not free from the pain of his loss. They re not free from wondering why he did it or how this could happen. They are not free from wondering if they could have done more. Suicide may have freed him from his pain, but he left behind a world of hurt, a world of questions. I was talking to my mom after I found out about this and I couldn’t help but wonder if someone could have done something more for him or if he was just too far gone. I don’t know his story, but when something like this happens, I can’t help but wonder if something more could have been done for him or for anyone who has taken their own life or tried to take their own life. Why did he feel like he had no way out? It’s not just him though, it’s anyone going through this… this being depression and suicidal thoughts. I’ve talked a little about my own struggle with mild depression. I’ve watched family members hurt themselves, some overcame it, and some didn’t. Never once did I turn a blind eye to it or act like it wasn’t a big deal. I’ve talked about depression with them, I’ve yelled, and I’ve cried out of frustration for wanting to help and feeling helpless.

Society however has made it seem like depression shouldn’t be talked about. People should take their meds and move on. They should “get over it” and “just be happy their alive.” If only it were that easy. People have also made depression seem like it’s not a big deal, “I’m so depressed I couldn’t get this new whatever.” “Ugh, I really wanted to do this, it’s so depressing that I can’t.” No, that kind of shit isn’t depressing, you might be sad over something so tiny, but you aren’t depressed about it. Depression is a term used too much, too loosely, and not taken seriously enough for those who do actually suffer from depression. I didn’t always understand depression before I had it, but I always tried to understand it. It wasn’t until I experienced it, that I fully understood it. This isn’t about me though, this is about you, about us, about society.

If you are struggling with depression, please talk to someone, anyone. Hell, email me, I will talk to you and you can trust me. We will email back and forth as many times as needed and as often as needed. I want you to know someone is here for you, someone cares, and someone will listen, even if it’s a stranger. You are NOT alone in this and you don’t have to go through this alone.

If you know someone with depression, Reach out to them and keep reaching out to them until they let you in. Let them know you are here for them and that they aren’t alone.

As a society, stop throwing the word depression around over nothing. As a society, we need to make it our mission to reach out to those who do suffer from depression. We need to smile and strike up a conversation with someone. Put the damn phone down and pay attention to people.

Everyone is fighting a battle that we know nothing about and your kindness could brighten someones day. Never forget that.

R.I.P. Robin Williams, you will be greatly missed.

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Hate simply breeds more hate

My thoughts are all over the place with everything going on right now that I don’t even know where to begin. For now though, I want to say this…

I’m so disappointed with blogging lately. Maybe that’s why I’ve unintentionally taken a step back. I’ve seen the snark, the cattiness, the jealously and the hate. It’s disgusted me and it’s made me question this community that I’m supposed to be a part of. American Blogger seems to have added fuel to this hate flame and it caught fire and it caught fire fast. Personally, I don’t care whether you are thrilled to see the movie or against it. I don’t care if you are jealous of it or you just think it’s ridiculous. I don’t care if you love all the women who were filmed or dislike every single one of them. What I do care about, is the pain that comes with all of this hate.

With everything going on, I feel like I just stepped through time and found myself in high school again. All you ever hear is how blogging is this “wonderful” community. How women uplift and inspire other women. How there is so much love to be found in this community. Where is that now? What the hell happened to that community? If all it takes is a 2 minute trailer featuring bloggers, to cause this community to fall, I would say it wasn’t very strong to begin with.

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YOU have a right to your opinion.
YOU have a right to feel hurt.
YOU have a right to ask questions.
YOU have a right to use your voice in whatever way you choose.

Just keep in mind, when you think it’s okay to use YOUR VOICE for hate, you wind up putting words out in this world that can NEVER be taken back and no matter what, people will always remember your words.

These bloggers aren’t celebrities who don’t give two shits what you think. No, these bloggers are writers like you and me, they are sharing their story. They care and I can only imagine all the pain that is circulating between everyone right now over a freaking two minute trailer. Just, next time you are ready to lash out because you’re mad, remember this…

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Because hate doesn’t do anyone any good. Hate simply breeds more hate. You can voice an opinion or disagree in a respectful way without putting more hate into this already hate filled world.

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How do you have hope without having too much?

If we were meeting for Coffee, I would ask you to meet me at Starbucks.. I would practically beg you. After the night I had, I would need to get out of the house, get some fresh air. It’s beautiful here in Texas, it’s supposed to be beautiful until the afternoon so I would suggest we take our coffee’s out on the Starbucks porch instead of sitting inside. After we settled in and got through the basic how are yous & how is life questions, I would tell you that I really need to talk. I would apologize in advance, I would even promise you a second cup of coffee that way you could get anything you wanted off your chest, but the plea in my eye would be real and I would hope you would nod your head and ask me what was wrong. Because this time I wouldn’t say it’s nothing or I’m fine. I wouldn’t brush it off with a careless wave of my hand, I would take a deep breath, let it out and tell you..

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // How do you have hope without having too much?

Last night my sister got out of jail. {read the story here} I had no intention of talking to her last night, as a matter of fact, I had no intention of talking to her for quite some time. I would explain how on impulse I got this urge to call her with every intention of giving her a piece of my mind. I tried so hard to shake it off, to ignore it, but I couldn’t and finally I was asking for the number where she was and dialing before I could stop myself. I still had every intention of being this cold hard bitch and then she answered the phone. Her voice came through and after they “Hey.” We exchanged, I said “How was jail.” There was a beat of silence and then she was like.. “CASSIE?!!” a laugh escaped her, “Oh my god I didn’t recognize your voice for a second, I haven’t heard it in so long.” I felt my cold hard shell break. She sounded happy. Truly happy for the first time in I don’t even know how long to hear me on the other end of the phone and not only did she sound happy, she sounded different.

She was in jail for thirty days, she has been sober for thirty days and I could hear that soberness in here. I chocked back a sob. I would tell you that I couldn’t tell you the last time I had a conversation with her when she was sober. The last time she sounded so damn happy to be talking to me. The last time I was actually talking to my sister and not my sister on drugs. We chatted for a few, breezy light conversation. She told me about jail and I told her about the newest update with my back since she asked. Then came the hard part and I’m fighting back tears once again, she talks about how she’s been reading the bible. How she knows, now that she’s sober, how bad she fucked up. How stupid she feels. She told me about the outpatient rehab she is going to go to and how she wants her family back and how she know the change has to start with her. As much as I wanted to be all, “Oh my god, that’s amazing and so wonderful.” I couldn’t. I did however tell her that I was happy she was out of jail, that I’m glad she is finding God {thank you all for your prayers, please keep praying} and then I had to say it.

I paused, took a deep breath and just let it out, “I want you to know I’m glad you are wanting to go down the right patch. I’m happy you are sober and wanting to change for the better. I’m always only a phone call away, I’m your sister and I’m here, but it’s not going to be easy. You hurt me and I can’t just trust you again.”

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // How do you have hope without having too much?

She understood, she agreed and she knew why I felt that way. I continued, “I hope you stay sober.” My voice hitched, “I hope you stay on this path.” My voice broke and the tears fell, “Because I just want my sister. That’s all I want. I don’t want to have to bury you.”By now she was in tears as well, telling me she didn’t want that life anymore, she wanted better and so on, “I was talking to a friend and she told me her brother went down a very similar path and they had to bury him.” My voice broke again and a fresh wave of tears rolled down my cheeks, “I don’t want that.” I barely got out. We dried our tears, had a little more conversation before we hung up. I immediately called my mom to tell her about the conversation and that resulted in even more tears. Worse than the tears before. My mom and I can always talk about anything, even if we get emotional or snappy with each other and I love that.

After those two conversations, I just feel defeated. I told myself I wasn’t going to be the fixer anymore and what did I do, I tried to be the fixer. The fixer is always the one that winds up in tears, it’s inevitable, whether they are happy tears or sad ones, it happens. I just, I want to believe she’s going to change. I want to believe she is going to do everything she says she’s going to do, but it’s so hard. It’s so hard to believe it, but I don’t want to just assume she is going to fail either because I don’t want her to fail. I desperately want her to make it, to have that good life that most people have. To never go down the path she did again and yet at the same time, I’m so scared to have too much hope because it will just crush me if it goes bad.

If we were meeting for coffee.. I would ask you what you would do? Do you have any advice for me? How does one stay strong is such a situation, how does one not have too much hope, but enough to let her know I believe in her? How do I just stop fucking crying every single time I think about it?

After I wiped my eyes and bought you another cup of coffee for listening to be cry, I would ask you how life is? How are your kids? {if you have any} Anything new and exciting going on? Anything you want to talk about? I’m all ears..

I’m linking up with Alissa for Coffee and Casey for on my heart.

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I had to write this letter

Dear Paul Walker,

You don’t know me from eve. I never had the honor of meeting you. I was one of your biggest fans though, you were hands down my favorite actor. I didn’t know you personally, but I felt like I “knew” you. You have been on my TV for at least 10 years, I have followed along on your social media, I have laughed, smiled or gushed at the things you would post. I may not have actually known you as a friend, but your death shook me. I have never cried over the loss of a celebrity before, but I can’t tell you the amount of tears I have shed over the loss of you.

I don’t understand how I can be this upset over someone I didn’t personally know, how I could feel this kind of pain over someone I didn’t personally know, but I am and I do and I’m not alone in that. Facebook is crawling with fans mourning the loss of you. You are only to look up #rippaulwalker on twitter and you can feel the pain and read the hurt. Your death shook the world Paul. I still can’t warp my head around the fact that you’re gone, I desperately want this to not be real. You died too young, too soon.

I hope you know how unbelievably loved you are. I hope you know if prayers and tears could bring you back, you would have barely been gone. I hope you know my love of fast cars is because of you. I will always think of you and your role in the fast and furious movies when I climb behind the wheel of our Honda civic. I hope you know your memory will live on forever, not only by those who knew you, but through your fans too. You were more than an amazing actor, you were an amazing person too. You were put on earth to show the rest of us how a person should be.

I couldn’t not write you this letter. You’ll never get it, but I hope you see it from heaven. I will always remember you as the cute popular high school guy in she’s all that. As the gorgeous man who wanted his treasure, but not at the risk of loosing his girl in Into the blue. As the hard and fast bad guy who wound up trying to fix his mistake in running scared and most of all, I will remember you as the sexy cop turned bad, who wanted respect, who fell in love, who put a friend above his career and who found a family in the Fast and furious movies. I will also remember you through your charity, through all the money you have donated to help those in need, for the big heart you had.

I wish I could reach out to your daughter, your family, to Tyrese, Vin and the rest of the fast family, I wish I could hug them all and take their pain away, but if there is one thing I’ve learned about death – is the pain never really goes away, you just learn to live with it and most of all they will live for you because you showed them how to really live.

Rest in peace Paul Walker
You will be forever missed.

I take no credit for the pictures in this post, they were all pulled from facebook.

Bullying can cause a world full of hurt

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Bullying can cause a world full of hurt

If there is one thing I am terrified of when it comes to Jay starting kindergarten this year. It’s bully’s. I know bullying has gotten so much worse since I was in school and it scares the living hell out of me that he might encounter it.
I remember in high school there was two girls who set out to make my life hell and it worked. I never talked about it and I dealt with it. I had a lot of friends so, even those these girls turned a few of my “friends” against me – I tried not to let it bother me. I remember logging onto AIM {remember that?} and if these girls were on you better believe they ran there mouth to me and tried to bring me down as far as they could. It scared me for life when it came to friends because, once upon a time these girls were my “friends”. They impacted my life more than they ever thought they did.
I’ve seen bullying happening right here in blogging and it disgusts me.
I had the chance to interview my mom – who was bullied very bad in school. I asked for y’alls help with answers on Twitter & Facebook and here is her answer to those questions…
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1. Where do you stand regarding forgiving the person/people who bullied you?
I would have to say that I have not forgiven any of the people who bullied me in school, since it was so many of them and it happened on a daily basis from the time I was half through middle school until I was out of of high school. Never a day went by that something wasn’t said to me or done to me.
2. What did you do about the bullying? (Tell anyone, kept it a secret, etc)
I of course told my parents and my siblings, a couple of my teachers, and a friend or two that I had, they all knew. I would come home crying at times, and I hated going to school.
3. How has it affected you as a person?
I carry it with me to this very day and I am 47. I do have some trust issue’s, some self confidence issue’s as a result of that not once have I ever looked in the mirror and thought I was pretty, and the thing is I was skinny in high school, kept up with the style etc. I prayed that my girls were pretty so that they never had to deal with what I did and they are, and they had all kinds of friends in school.
4. Can you describe how you felt during the bullying?
I wanted to run and hide when people would make fun of me, and it made it very difficult for me to come to school. I was afraid that is for sure. I never really made eye contact when I would walk in school to try and avoid anyone from saying anything to me. I prayed all the time that it would stop.
5. How do you feel around people now that you have been bullied?
I am Ok around people now that I am an adult. I certainly don’t get made fun of to my face, now people know that I have no problem speaking my mind at all.
6. Is there anything you wish you would have done different when the bullying was going on?
Yes, I wish I would have had the courage to speak up to those people, hold my head high and show them that it had no effect on me at all. Laugh at them when they were making fun of me, etc
What I want people, parents to realize is just how bad this affects a child. I was called names constantly every day I walked in that school, I was known as , Ms. Piggy, Pig nose etc. I remember one time I got off the school bus at the corner of my street, a girl got off with half the bus of course and proceeding to hit me, I turned to walk away and a boy wearing cowboy boots pointed ones kicked me right in my back. There was another girl who had her friends with her all the time and would shove my books out of my hands and all her friends would laugh at me, one day however she did it and something snapped and even though I was terrified on the inside I pushed her so hard she ate those lockers behind her, but she never bothered me again after that. But it didn’t stop the continuing name calling, pulling hair, etc that I went through and I do mean on a daily basis.
I only went to one dance in high school a homecoming dance, I never got to go to the prom, I never had a lot of friends at all, nor boyfriends for that matter. I mean really who wanted to be seen with me, boy wise. On the inside I was like , why why me, what have I done to these people to deserve this. I was and still am a really nice person, very easy to get along with etc. Very loyal to the few friends I do have. I always thought of others still do, even though this was going on. I prayed all the time that my girls never had to endure this kind of pain in school, that they got to enjoy those school years and have lots of friends, and they did..
But it is still in the back of my mind to this day. How people can live with themselves doing this to a child, teenager etc. I would love once to just know why a person does that, what kind of satisfaction did they all get out of making fun of me? Now as they are all adults and have kids of their own how they would feel knowing the effects this has on kids, what would they do now? I know when my daughter post this these people I went to school with will see this as some are on my facebook, and I am OK with that because they need to know, and it will either humble them or it won’t bother them at all, either way I felt I needed to tell my story.
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Bullying can cause a world full of hurt. Don’t be that person who bullies someone – it gets you no where and deeply scars a person.

This months in-post ad
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We must live

I know what it’s like to watch the news and have my stomach roll from tragedy’s and disasters. I know what it’s like to fight back tears for people I don’t know. I know what it’s like to have my heart break for those people. I know what it’s like to hit my knees and pray. To pray faster for those people and harder than I normally do.
I know what it’s like to stare at my children, to hold them a little closer. To hug them a little longer.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // We must live

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // We must live

I know what it’s like to become afraid. Afraid to be alone. Afraid to send my children to school. Afraid to live life because, you don’t know what could happen. It seems in the midst of tragedy, in the heart of disaster – America stands up and fights back. We protect more. We donate more. We help more. We do whatever we can for those who are hurt, saddened and broken. But, like me so many people become a little more afraid. We become a little more scared to live this life.
If I have learned anything from past tragedy’s and disasters. It’s that we must live.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // We must live

We must live for those who no longer can. It’s okay to have a broken heart. It’s okay to shed tears. It’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to feel deeply for those who are hurting. But it’s not okay to stop living. Those watching over us, don’t want that.
So, for them we must laugh a little louder. We must dream a little bigger and work a little a harder. We must kiss a little longer and cry a little more. We must watch the sunrise and set. We must not hesitate to say I love you and give one last hug. We must have good days and bad days. We must push ourselves further. We must keep living for them, for those who can no longer live.
I will live for those who I have lost. I will live for those who have lost their lives to the evil and hurt of this world & so, I ask you – are you willing to live a little more?
I am linking up with my friend Amanda for Desire to Inspire.

This months in-post ad is so sweet + amazing
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I should probably tell you

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If you have been reading my blog sense the Sandy Hook shooting. You may have noticed that I have been posting & sharing fun pictures and trips to the park – as a matter of fact I am sharing some more today, but I seem to have lost my voice. Everytime I have sat down to right a post all I can think is – whatever I’m writing is nothing of importance right now. Everytime I sit down to write I know I should be saying something about those sweet babies, because really they weren’t much older then babies, who lost their lives. But what on earth can I say?
There is nothing I can say that makes anything better. There is nothing I can say to tell you how much I want to reach out and hug every single one of those families members. There aren’t enough words to express how I feel and how many tears I have shed over this tragedy. But I can’t keep saying nothing. My voice has to be louder than the evil in this world. My voice has to reach out to those who need someone, to let them know they aren’t alone.

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& you aren’t alone. I should probably tell you that when I took my boys to the park, which is crawling with people walking the trail or driving by. How I couldn’t stop looking over my shoulder and making sure no one looked suspicious. I should probably tell you, one day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t thought of all those people who have lost their lives. I should probably tell you, I’m highly considering homeschooling my kids.

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I should probably tell you I’m here.
You aren’t alone in your pain.
In your fears.
In your worries.
In your hopes.
In your dreams.
In your life.
I am here & I’m willing to listen because I know what it’s like when all you need is someone to listen
to you.
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Silence

Sandy hook.
You are forever in my thoughts & prayers.
Today we are silent for you.
For the ones listed below.
For the families.
For the school.
For the community.

Charlotte Bacon, 6
Rachel D’Avino, 29
Olivia Engel, 6
Dylan Hockley, 6
Dawn Lafferty Hochsprung, 47
Jesse Lewis, 6
Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
Grace McDonnell, 7
Anne Marie Murphy, 52
Emilie Parker, 6
Noah Pozner, 6
Jessica Rekos, 6
Lauren Rousseau, 30
Mary Sherlach, 56
Victoria Soto, 27
Daniel Barden, 7 
Josephine Gay, 7 
Madeleine Hsu, 6 
Catherine Hubbard, 6 
Chase Kowalski, 7 
James Mattioli, 6 
Jack Pinto, 6 
Caroline Previdi, 6 
Avielle Richman, 6 
Benjamin Wheeler, 6 
Allison Wyatt, 6.



Silence & Support

To the Blog World and Anyone Else who Wants to Help,
Yesterday, tragedy struck so many of us in ways we did not foresee. An elementary school and small town in Connecticut was shattered by a mass shooting. We knew we wanted to help and we came up with this:


On Tuesday, December 18th, there will be a blogger day of silence. We will post the button and that’s it. Please try to not post anything else that day if possible.
We are also raising money that will go to an organization in the memory of this tragedy. The organization is called The Newtown Family Youth and Family Services.
Here is the official description of the support service we are donating to:
“Newtown Youth and Family Services, Inc. is a licensed, non-profit, mental health clinic
and youth services bureau dedicated to helping children and families achieve their
highest potential. NYFS provides programs, services, activities, counseling, support
groups and education throughout the Greater Newtown area.

ANY DONATIONS MADE TO NEWTOWN YOUTH AND FAMILY SERVICES WILL BE DONATED DIRECTLY TO THOSE EFFECTED BY THE SANDY HOOK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL SHOOTING.”

Please visit THIS PAGE to make your donation.

We can’t imagine how they must be feeling, especially this close to the holidays. We would love for you to spread the word on your own blog, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Let’s make a difference and use blogging in a positive way.
Thank you in advance for participating.
Love,
The Blog World



Isaac Strong

God brought me to a blog post yesterday that completely broke my heart.
I say God did it, because it was one of those times I should not have been paying
attention to my phone – it was dinner/family time. Yet there I was glancing at my phone
and I saw this post and I had to read it. Which lead to tears. Which lead to an
email I typed so fast that I wasn’t even sure what I said until after I sent it. It lead
to holding my babies a little longer than normal last night.

It lead to today. This post on Erin’s blog.
Today we are doing something.
Today we are Isaac Strong.