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My worries about pregnancy with a messed up back

If you have been reading my blog for a little while, you know I have two herniated discs in my back and I’m often in a lot of pain because of it. Well, now I’m pregnant and we are so happy about that. I really am because I’ve been wanting another baby for awhile, but I’m worried. I try not to worry too much and just trust God’s plan, but there are times I majorly worry about being pregnant and having a messed up back. Obviously I can’t take all the medicine I was taking that was helping my back & leg so, I’m already experiencing more pain than I normally am. I have to be really careful not to overdue it because if I’m hurting too bad, then my blood pressure goes up and the pain & blood pressure isn’t good for the babies. I have to limit myself to little spurts of cleaning. Little spurts of playing with the boys. Little spurts of doing anything basically.

It’s definitely hard and I’m trying not to complain too much because I had told my husband that if we had another baby I would deal with the pain for nine months. While that’s true and happening, it’s frustrating. I’ve been told by both my pain doctor and my obgyn that the pain is only going to get worse as I get bigger and wow, when I really think about that… it scares the hell out of me. I don’t want my pain even more intensified, but I also want a baby so I’m willing to go through the pain for these sweet babies. I didn’t have a bad back when I was pregnant with Jay or kage so this pregnancy is going to be different. Heck, it’s already been different with all the morning {all day} sickness I’ve had, which by the way, throwing up multiple times a day wrecks havoc on a messed up back. Thankfully my baby doctor called me out Zofran and {knock on wood}, I’ve only thrown up twice since taking it.

My family members also think I’m going to have to wind up being put on bed rest later in my pregnancy because of my back and that sends me into a state of panic when I think about it. I have two active boys, now we have a puppy, I have an entire house to clean, and laundry to do. I don’t have time to be on bed rest!! I’m furiously praying and hoping that bed rest doesn’t happen, but something tells me it’s going to and I’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it. This time around I’ll also be having a c-section. I’m not too upset about that because I had horrible delivers with both of the boys and I wanted a c-section if we ever had a third child, but there is no way in hell I’m going to be able to push with my messed up back so a c-section is the way we are going. Hubby isn’t too thrilled about this, but I reminded him of my previous births and how long it took me to heal from them and he’s warming up to the idea.

I’m really just nervous about everything I guess. It’s been five years since I’ve been pregnant. Five years since I’ve had to worry about a baby in my belly. This time around it’s different and different is sometimes scary. I know I’m probably worrying over nothing and I keep trying to remind myself to trust God because he knows what he is doing. Does anyone else ever struggle with that? Just trusting his plan and believing everything was going to be okay? I do, but when we first found out I was pregnant, I had this calming feeling that everything was going to be okay and if you know me in real life, you know I’m not normally like that. I am a natural worrier so, for me to have that thought. I knew it came from God and now I just have to trust his plan and prepare myself for the pain that is to come. I love these babies so much already though, that I will deal with the pain for them.

{If you didn’t catch on to the “babies” reference – surprise, I’m pregnant with Twins!!!}

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It all happened so fast

You can read part one here.

 

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When they got me into a labor room, everyone flew into action. It was all happening extremely fast and I was beyond scared. I had an IV put in me that was pumping something into me for the babies. I can’t even remember where the IV went or what the fluid was. They had me signing paperwork and I could have punched her. Like, I wasn’t going anywhere, I’m having extreme contractions, and this couldn’t freaking wait until afterwards?! They were also monitoring the babies again and they were still doing good, even through the contractions. I was so worried too much stress was being put on them from the pain I was going through. The on call doctor came in to talk to me and so did the anesthesiologist. When I found out my doctor wasn’t working that night, I panicked a little because he knew my plan and knew my history, but the on call doctor was really wonderful and put me at ease immediately. There was just something about her that I liked in all of the chaos. While all of this was going on, I was having contractions that had me arching my back, screaming through my teeth, and crying. I’ve had back labor with all three pregnancies and this time around I have a messed up back and I believe that made the contractions ten times worse. I was panicking and trying to find my husband through my blurry, tear filled vision, I remember seeing him put his scrubs on that they gave him and I remember my mom showing up ten minutes before they took me back to the operating room.

By the time we got to the operating room, I was beyond hurting, I really wanted to push, and I was down right miserable. Hubby wasn’t aloud to come back there until I was numb and laid down and all I could keep thinking was I wanted him. I wanted him right next to me, right that second, and he couldn’t be. Thankfully, the anesthesiologist got to work right away on numbing me and right in the middle of him doing so, I had a contraction coming on. Him and one of the OR nurses kept saying I had to be still and I remember muttering, “I can’t. I can’t.” and shaking my head. The last thing I wanted to do was move while he was sticking a needle in my back, but I also knew I couldn’t sit still through it. The OR nurse said, “You HAVE to stay still, just squeeze my hands and scream through it.” That’s exactly what I did. I’m surprised I didn’t break her hand and the scream I let out was a piercing one, but that nurse took it like a champ and it worked, it kept me still enough for him to finish. It only took seconds for the medicine to kick in and before I knew it, the lower half of me was completely numb. They laid me back on the table, put up that big blue curtain, and then Hubby came in and I was so happy to see him.

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I had heard some horror stories about having a c-section and I was really nervous about what it was going to be like, but I didn’t feel anything as the doctor cut me open and pulled my sweet babies out. From this point on, everything was a little hazy, but when she said Baby B was out and that beautiful cry pierced the room, relief flooded through me. “Okay.” I thought to myself, “One baby down, one to go. Please God let Baby A come out crying too.” Two minuter later she said Baby A was out and he too let out a beautiful piercing cry. Tears filled my eyes. They were out, they were crying, and so far they were okay.

Shortly after the babies were out and after she finished tying my tubes, I started to have a panic attack on the table. The lower half of me was numb, my arms were pinned down by straps, my upper back was starting to hurt, and I wanted to see my babies. I wanted off that damn table and I began to panic. I don’t really remember anything after the panic attack started, but Hubby said I kept trying to pull my arms free of the straps and I kept twisting my upper body causing the doctor to have to stop working on me. He had a little chat with the anesthesiologist at this point that he said went a little something like this.

Hubby: “Dude, are you going to give her something to knock her out?”
A: “No, this is normal. She’ll stop.”
Hubby: “No, she won’t. I know my wife and she’s not going to stop. Give her something right now.”

I now thank God that my husband said that because I don’t remember that conversation, them taking the babies away, or the rest of the panic attack. I remember waking up back in the labor room and seeing my husband, my mom, my sister in law & my brother in law all waiting for me to come around. I was so happy to see people who loved me, but it wasn’t long before the pain hit me and the panic of not having my babies with me, hit me. Thankfully my mom got the nurse to give me more pain meds and then Hubby and my mom were able to go see the twins in the nicu. Once my mom came back, my brother in law and sister in law each took a turn going down to nicu with my husband to see the babies. I’m not going to lie, I was upset and jealous that they were getting to see my babies before I was, but I hoped it wouldn’t be long before I would be going back to see them. When Hubby and my brother in law walked back in, the nurse followed. She told me she was moving me to another room, but first I was being wheeled back to see my babies. My mom kissed and hugged me and left to go home where my step-dad and boys were and my BIL & SIL went to the room I was going to be staying in, while Hubby and the nurse wheeled my bed into nicu.

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It was a huge shock to see my babies. They had cpaps on and ivs and wires everywhere. I couldn’t stop the tears if I had tried. My heart broke into a million pieces and all I wanted to do was hold them and cuddle them and I couldn’t. All I could do was hold their little hands and stare at them. It was so hard and it wasn’t long before I had to be wheeled back to my room.

I plan on sharing more about how I felt during this time and the days to follow because that deserves a post of it’s own. For now, I’ll end their birth story here and let y’all know that they are doing good. :) I will have a post up in a day or two about the progress they have made and sharing more pictures. I want to thank everyone who prayed and is continuing to pray for our sweet babies. It means the world to us.

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We knew it was coming

{Warning, this post is a little TMI, if you don’t like that type of post, I would go ahead and stop reading}

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I have officially been put on bed rest. We knew it was coming, but we didn’t think it would be so soon or that it would happen like it did. I had always assumed I would be put on bed rest later in my pregnancy because of my back, not because I was going into labor early…

It started on Saturday when I was having what I thought were a few braxton hicks contractions, they hurt and they were in my back, but I definitely didn’t think they were real contractions. They didn’t last long and eventually they stopped. Well, Sunday morning I had a few again, but again they stopped so I just assumed they were braxton hicks again. Little did I know at the time, they weren’t.

Sunday I was feeling a bit off, I really don’t know how else to describe it other than the fact that I just didn’t feel like myself. Well, Sunday afternoon I went pee for the fiftieth time and noticed that my pee was a very bright yellow/green. To say I was slightly freaked out about that is probably an understatement, but I wasn’t sure it was cause for concern so I didn’t do anything about it. I waited about thirty minutes and went pee again to just check and see if it was the same. This time though, there was a pretty good size wet spot in my panties and after I went pee, my pee was the same as it was thirty minutes prior. I decided to do what I do best when I’m not sure about something, I Googled it. Well, I didn’t like what I was reading so I called the on call number for my doctor and left a message explaining what happened. Ten minutes later I got a call back and was told I needed to come up to Labor and Delivery to get checked out, they wanted to make sure my amniotic fluid wasn’t leaking.

I told Hubby about it, we got ready, loaded the kids up, and dropped the boys off at my mom’s house and headed up to the hospital. We got back in a room quickly and the questions and tests began. They did a test to see if I was leaking amniotic fluid and to see if I was in preterm labor. At this point I was having contractions two to three minutes apart and they were hurting. Thankfully the amniotic fluid test came back negative, my cervix was closed and I wasn’t dilating. Unfortunately the preterm labor test came back positive. That test tells you there is a 45% chance you could go into labor within the next 2 weeks. I didn’t like that one bit.

Well, since my contractions were so close and so intense they went ahead and admitted me to the hospital, gave me medicine for the pain and medicine to try and stop the contractions. I got about four hours of sleep and Monday around eleven, my contractions were coming again like they were Sunday night which meant the first medicine to try and stop the contractions weren’t working and that scared me. They decided to try a different medicine to try and stop the contractions again and check my cervix again to make sure nothing changed. Thankfully my cervix hadn’t changed and the new contraction meds were working. I was also super emotional yesterday, I kept crying on and off and just feeling sad and worried. My poor husband was taken by surprise when I just randomly burst into tears, but he comfortred me and told me everything was going to be okay. I knew I was just worried and exhausted and that’s what brought on the random crying, but I still hate breaking down like that. I also wanted to go home, I wanted to see my boys, and if I was going to be on bed rest, I wanted to be on bed rest from home. Thankfully, by six pm, I had only had one or two contractions and I was doing/feeling better so my doctor said I could go home.

I’ll be on bed rest at home until he says otherwise and I have to continue taking the contraction meds. We are so thankful the babies weren’t born yesterday and we are praying they stay put awhile longer! That was a scary experience and I’ll be doing everything I can to keep these babies baking for a while longer!

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Why you should Thrive.

As most of you know, my back is messed up. I have two herniated discs, one of them being shot to hell and one that affects the nerve in my leg. Being in pain everyday for over a year now hasn’t exactly been fun, but it has given me a glimpse into what my mom has dealt with for many, many years now. Her back is much worse than mine, she has had multiple surgeries, been on different medicines, and even has a pain pump. She is in far worse pain everyday than I am, she has been dealing with it much longer than I have, and she is medically retired because of it. Watching your mom suffer with pain is one of the worst thing for a child. I’ve always hated that there was nothing I could do for her, there was nothing I could do to make the physical ailments less, and nothing I could do to fix her back. She is a strong woman though and embraces her pain the best way she can, I tried to understand what she was going through, but it wasn’t until my own back messed up, that I really understood what she went through on a daily basis.My mom’s friend introduced her to Thrive. She told her about all the benefits of using it, and how it could help her with her physical limitations. I was a little skeptical and I imagine she was too, because how was this going to help her physical limitations, help her be more energetic, and more; when her own pain doctor couldn’t find a remedy for that.

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If you’ve been following my blog for any length of time you know that I spend a lot of time with my mom. She’s one of my best friends and such a wonderful grandmother to my boys and lucky for us, she doesn’t live far from me. Well, a couple days into using the Thrive products not only did she start to notice a different, but I noticed a difference in her. Especially today at my baby shower. You see, cold weather makes our back pain/physical limitations worse and today was a cold one. Not to mention she was throwing my shower so she was going to be entertaining guests and on her feet a lot. I was shocked by the fact that not only did she seem full of energy at the party, but by the end of the party she was still going, I on the other hand since I don’t use the products yet, was ready to just go home and sit down from how bad my back was hurting and how tired I was.

It’s truly helping her and I normally wouldn’t talk about something I haven’t personally tried, but seeing such a great result in her, I knew I had to help her spread the word, but all I can do is tell you what I’ve seen and it’s not just her not being having physical limitations as much, her energy has gone up, and she is getting tons of nutrition from it too! I’ll let her tell you more about it though… here is what my mom has to say about Thrive…

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“When I was first introduced to Thrive by my best friend LaKeesha, I was extremely busy and drained getting ready for my daughter Cassie’s baby shower coming up and with my physical limitations I just didn’t feel the need to even try Thrive.

Once LaKeesha told me about all the nutrition in the product, that it helped with so many things, from inflammation, to concentration, energy etc. I wanted to try it. Now before I tell you about what this product has done for me, let me give you a little history about me.

I have not worked in 8 years due to my physical limitations from a back injury. I became depressed, withdrawn, and missed out on so many things. I was tired all the time, my concentration had gone out the window and I had no real desire to do much of anything. I quit hanging out with friends, couldn’t crochet anymore which I love to do, missed out on family functions etc. I was not much of a happy person to be around at all.

Fast forward to Sunday, when I finally started taking Thrive, my first day I noticed a little energy but not much more, the second day when I took it I noticed more energy, by the 3rd day I was feeling emotionally happy, and the energy I had was amazing. I cleaned my entire house and with my physical limitations normally doing that took all day with many breaks, and I would not be able to do much the next couple of days, when I woke up on the 4th day to my surprise I was up and at it again, not having to slow down much at all and my mood was extremely positive and happy and my concentration oh my goodness it has come back, no more brain fog etc. My husband even notices when he calls me how happy I sound since starting Thrive. I told him I didn’t know how to act after all this time, because I feel so much better mentally and physically.

My husband is 69 years old and would always come home tired and fall asleep in his recliner, he isn’t doing that anymore. He is up and doing things and feels really good.

I can honestly say that this has changed my life really and truly and for the better. I never thought I would ever feel like this again in my life due to my physical limitations. But here I am and my daughter Cassie can attest to this she has watched me suffer endlessly.

Here is the link to the sight, I ask anyone who wants to get healthier, feel better and live!! Please take a moment to see what this is all about. I have tried everything under the sun and nothing every helped. What I like most is it only takes 30 minutes in the morning and you are done!! No taking pills, throughout the day etc.

I will answer any questions you may have and even let you try it first to see how you will feel. I am including my website and my email so by all means ask away. I look forward to hearing from you all..:)

Have a beautiful day.

Sheila

Sheilam65.Le-Vel.com

thrivenwsheila@yahoo.com”

I have noticed a big difference in both of them and it makes me happy to see my mom happy and active. I’ll be trying the shakes soon to see if they help with my energy level. For now, it’s the only part of Thrive I can do until after the babies are born, but I can’t wait to try the patches which is what helps with the inflammation and pain. If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to email my mom or if you are wanting to try Thrive out for yourself, visit her website. :)

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I was reminded how lucky I am to have my husband

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // I was reminded how lucky I am to have my husband

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // I was reminded how lucky I am to have my husband

This weekend was pure bliss. Hubby has been working a lot lately so, I’ve been doing this “solo parenting” thing for a few weeks. Well, he had the whole weekend off and it was wonderful. My back has really been bothering me as my stomach continues to get bigger, which is expected, but it doesn’t make it easier. Saturday night, Hubby told me he was going to make dinner, anything I wanted. I told him I wanted Meatloaf so that’s what he made, along with baked potatoes, green beans, and rolls. :) While dinner was in the oven he also cleaned the kitchen and did dishes. The whole time he was doing that and the boys were playing, I got to sit on the couch and read. It was nice to just relax.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // I was reminded how lucky I am to have my husband

Then Sunday morning, I woke up to the smell of something delicious. I stumbled my way out of bed and into the kitchen to see what it was and there Hubby was, making breakfast for us. To say I was shocked was a complete understatement. After breakfast he helped me out with the boys so much and continued to clean up the house. I had a smile on my face as I asked him, “What did I do to deserve this?” He looked at me, gave me a kiss, and said, “What did you do? Well, you put up with me working a lot, you take care of our kids, and your run our household. That’s why you deserve this.” With my pregnancy hormones I was fighting back tears.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // I was reminded how lucky I am to have my husband

He also made dinner again Sunday night. It was seriously such a relaxing weekend and I felt completely spoiled with all the help. The boys were pretty darn good all weekend and by Sunday night, we were rested, and ready for school to start today. This weekend I was reminded of how truly blessed I am to have the husband I do. He blew me away this weekend and I couldn’t stop thanking God for the wonderful man I married.

What has your Husband done lately that just made you stop and go, “Wow, I’m so lucky to have him.”?

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A few truths

As I sit down and write tonight, I wanted to share a few truths with y’all. It can be hard to tell what’s real that a blogger posts, what’s not real, who they really are vs who they portray themselves to be. It can be hard to share real things in fear of criticism or having something you write about be taken the wrong way.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // A few truths

Truth:
It’s hard for me to write about everything I want to write about. I’m a sensitive person by nature, my feelings get hurt easy, and I don’t like to offend people if I can avoid it. Does that make me real on here though? If I’m too scared to share a certain topic I want to write about or talk about certain things? I do think it makes me real, it just means I hold back a bit more, but I’m working on this because I always want my readers to know me. To know what I stand for or against, what I believe or what I don’t, etc.

Truth:
You don’t often realize how much you baby the youngest in your family until you start trying to break certain habits. I’ve been trying to implement new things in my house and get my youngest to be a little more independent and it’s really hit me hard just how much I babied him, when I thought that I didn’t baby him very much. Talk about an eye opener.

Truth:
I don’t go to church as much as I should, but I have a close relationship with God and I am no stranger to talking to my kids about Jesus and reading them bible stories.

Truth:
I am so worried about the amount of pain I’m going to be in as my belly continues to grow. Having a messed up back while your pregnant is no joke and the pain is already starting to intensify and I’m only 18 weeks. On that note, I am also worried about more than likely being put on bed rest towards the end of my pregnancy. Just thinking about all I need to get done in a short amount of time and then the idea of being put on bed rest while trying to take care of two boys, it scares the hell out of me.

Truth:
I know with twins, it’s not uncommon to go into labor early, as in earlier than 36 weeks, and I’m deathly afraid of that. I watched what my little sister went through when my nephew was born three months early and I saw him in the NICU and that is not something I don’t want to experience at all. I’m hoping and praying that it doesn’t happen, I really don’t think it will because I’ve never had problems with my other two pregnancies, but it is in the back of my mind since I’m pregnant with twins.

Truth:
My house is messy as I type this. Although, I hope it will be clean by the time I publish it. I”m just not one of those moms who has a super clean house all the time and I’ve learned for the most part, to be okay with this, but I do like it to be semi-clean {or almost all the way clean} and I try to do what I can when I can without overdoing it on my back.

Truth:
I am beyond grateful for my family and the few close friends that I have. Our a.c. unit has been out for two weeks and last week it was hot as shit in our house and my mom and step-dad gladly opened up their home to us for a few days and I couldn’t be more thankful. I’m also grateful to the family who checks in on me every once in awhile to see how I’m doing. I’m also grateful for this girl who takes the time out of her busy day to chat with me and to make plans to come see me after the babies arrive.

Truth:
I don’t know where I would be without my husband. He is seriously my rock and is such a good husband and father. I can’t thank him enough for being who he is and doing what he does. I know he doesn’t have to do certain things, but the fact that he’s willing to, makes me appreciate him even more. I also love that he makes me laugh all the time, that after almost 9 years we are still going strong, and that we have a healthy marriage.

Truth:
I’m a little worried about having twins since we already have two boys! After talking with a couple of twin mommas, I know I’ll get the hang of it in no time, it’s just a little crazy to think about!

Truth:
Speaking of twins, I really can’t wait to start decorating their nursery! With the boys, I never got to do that since we were living in apartments, but this time, I’m totally going to go all out and have fun with it! :)

Truth:
I haven’t worn makeup in almost two weeks. Our a.c. has been out for the past two weeks and there has been no point in putting any on because I’ll likely just sweat it off! I can’t wait to get our a.c. fixed tomorrow!

Truth:
This pregnancy, I’ve been drinking more water than I ever have in my life. I know that’s bad, but I was not a fan of water at all, but during the first trimester I threw up quite a bit of soda and now I can barely drink soda! I take that as a good thing.

Truth:
I am so NOT ready for school to start back up. I missed Jay like crazy last year during the day while he was at school and I’m not ready for that again. Call me crazy, but I’m one of those moms who absolutely loves having her kids home with her. He loves school though and while I might miss him, It makes me really happy to see him love school.

Your turn. Share a few truths with me in the comments below!

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18 Week Bump Update & Our Exciting News

Hey y’all! I hope you are all having a wonderful Saturday! I haven’t shared a bump picture on the blog in almost a month! {oops} The last one I shared was on Instagram when I was 15 weeks. I also have never done a bump update type of post and since I wasn’t blogging when I was pregnant with the boys, I think it would be a lot of fun to document this pregnancy through a bump update weekly! I also have some exciting news to share at the end so, make sure you read all the way through! ;) Warning: My belly looks pretty big in these pictures {although it is pretty big}, but these were taken after a full day of eating! ;)

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // 18 Week Bump Update & Our Exciting News #pregnancy #twinpregnancy #bumpupdate #genderreveal

STATS:

How far along am I? 18 weeks today.
How big are the babies? The babies are each about the size of a sweet potato! {No wonder my belly is so big with two sweet potato sized babies in there. ;) }
Total weight gain? Four pounds.
Sleep? It has been hard falling asleep because the bigger I get, the more my back is starting to hurt me, especially at night when I’m trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in. I normally wake up once in the middle of the night to go pee, one of the babies is sitting right on my bladder so this is normal. :)
Best moment of the week? Feeling them move around so much more. I was feeling small movement starting at about 13/14 weeks, but it was only every once in awhile and when I was laying perfectly still. Now I am feeling their tiny little kicks several times a day and I absolutely love it.
Food cravings? I’ve mainly been craving sweets and pickles. I seriously have to have sweets in my house at all times because if a craving for a sweet hits and I don’t have anything sweet, I get mad! Lol!

Symptoms:
Thankfully, my morning sickness went away right around when the second trimester started and I’ve gotten quite a bit of my energy back. I still can’t really stay up too late because I’m downright exhausted at the end of the day! I’ve also been eating more since my morning sickness stopped! My belly is really sticking out and my shorts I’ve been rocking most of this pregnancy almost don’t fit anymore! My face is starting to clear up from acne and other than that, I’m feeling pretty good aside from the back pain!

Movement:
As I mentioned up there in the stats, I can feel the babies kick quite a bit and all throughout the day when they are awake. At my last sonogram the doctor said I have very active babies so, I imagine it won’t be long before their kicks get even harder and I can really start feeling them move around {aside from the kicks I’m feeling}! I can’t wait!

What I’m looking forward to:
I’m really looking forward to Hubby and the boys feeling the babies kick. The feeling brings me such joy and I know my husband is more than ready to feel them kick whenever he puts his hand on my stomach. The boys keep telling me they want to feel the babies moving so, I can’t wait for the day when I can tell them to put their hands on my belly to feel their siblings kicking! I’m also looking forward to decorating the nursery and crocheting items for my babies to wear!

Next Appointment:
In about two weeks! :)

Nursery update:
I haven’t started yet, but I plan to hopefully start getting the nursery cleared out next week and start making decorations to put in there!

Gender:
Are y’all ready for this?! We were going to have a gender reveal party and then I was going to blog all about, but Hubby and I decided we couldn’t keep our mouths shut and told our family and friends right after we found out! It has been a tradition with my pregnancies that as soon as we find out what the sex is, we go out and pick out a little something for the baby or in this case, babies, and I decided that what we bought is going to be my way to reveal to y’all what the sex of the babies are. Soooooo, DRUMROLL PLEASE!!

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // 18 Week Bump Update & Our Exciting News #pregnancy #twinpregnancy #bumpupdate #genderreveal

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // 18 Week Bump Update & Our Exciting News #pregnancy #twinpregnancy #bumpupdate #genderreveal

Yes, we already have two boys, but I have said from the beginning that Hubby and I would be perfectly happy if we had more boys and we are THRILLED to be having twin boys!!! Seriously, I got all teary eyed during our sonogram when we found out they were boys. I am such a boy mom and I love that we are having a couple more! =D The boys are so excited that they are having brothers and our families are so happy for us!

If you want to see the ideas for my baby shower and how we are decorating the nursery, be sure to follow me on pinterest where my baby shower idea board and nursery board are!

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I’m not a convenient friend

On Friday in my coffee date post, I talked about how friendship has been on my mind lately. Friendship is something I’ve struggled with since becoming a mother. I lost quite a few friends when I found out I was pregnant and I tried not to let it get to me because I was 18, almost 19 at the time. Most of my friends were partying and I couldn’t, but it was still hard to accept that my “friends” left me when I needed them the most. As time went on, I found best friends through family members and the memories I created with them were amazing, but things happened. Some things I’ve opened up about on here and some things I haven’t. For the other friendships that didn’t end for a reason, life just got busy and we just kind of went our separate ways. Then I found wonderful friends through blogging. I never expected to connect on such a level with people I didn’t personally know, but it wasn’t long before most of those friendships faded as well. 

It also wasn’t long before I began questioning certain friendships falling through the cracks because of me. I know not all of it is my fault, but I can take responsibility for alot of it. The thing is since my back got messed up, I am no longer a convenient friend. My life changed in a very drastic way when my back decided to go and eff up, but I try to deal with it the best I can. I’m still trying to do all the normal things mothers & stay at home moms do on a daily bases while trying to maintain relationships with family and friends, but I get it…

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // I'm not a convenient friend



I get that it’s not convenient to have to text or call me first. There are days that I just have quite a bit going on, especially days where I am hurting alot, that I just don’t think to pick up the phone and say, “Hey, how are you?”

I get it that it’s not convenient to ask me to lunch last minute or invite me over and I can’t just drop everything I’m doing anymore to be right over. There are quite a few days where it takes so much out of me just to keep my house somewhat in order, take care of my kids, our new puppy, my husband, and doing things that I like to do, that I have to have an advanced notice because there are just days where the pain stops me from being able to do anything.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // I'm not a convenient friend



I get that it’s not convenient to read my blog and comment on it, when I’m not doing the same to yours all the time anymore. Especially lately, between everything above and now being pregnant, I barely have time/energy to blog, let alone do everything that comes with blogging.

I get that it not convenient to be my friend right now and I’m sorry for that, but I try to make an effort with those I care about. Whether it’s a text message, answering a phone call when I don’t really want to talk, sending a quick tweet, or leaving a little comment on IG. I put in the effort in even with all I struggle with so, it always baffles me that my friends can’t do the same. It’s not everyone and I know every one’s busy. I have friends who take the time to text me or call me and it’s always nice and I always make the time to respond or talk. 

It would just be nice to know that the people I thought would be here when it’s not convenient, to actually be here. Ya know?

I truly appreciate all the friends and family who have stuck by me during this hard time in my life.
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A little coffee date

Happy Friday friends. Who’s ready for the weekend?! I’m hoping it doesn’t rain this weekend that way we can spend it outside, playing in the water. :) I haven’t joined in for Coffee in a long time and I would love to just sit down and chat because we haven’t just chatted in awhile. Amirite? ;) So, grab a cup of coffee, a glass of tea, or some wine and lets get to it.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // A little coffee date

If we were meeting for coffee… I would tell you that my house is a bit of a disaster right now. This stupid weather we’ve been having is hard on my back and it makes it to where I can do next to nothing and since it’s been raining/storming for way too many days now, I’ve barely gotten anything done. I have a mountain of laundry to wash, dry, and put away. Dishes are in the sink from yesterday, my floor needs a good vacuuming, and everything just needs to be picked up and put where it belongs. I plan on getting most of that done today. Have you ever just gotten so busy or things have happened where you can’t maintain your house and then you look at your house like, what in the world happened in here?! That’s how I’m feeling right about now! Who wants to come help me with laundry? ;)

If we were meeting for coffee… I would tell you I had a bit of a scare on Wednesday. I woke up on Wednesday morning with a really strange feeling. I climbed out of bed, went pee, and when I wiped there was some blood on the toilet paper. Not alot, but enough to make me panic and panic is what I did. I called my doctor and I was assured that it was normal as long as the spotting didn’t get worse or I didn’t start cramping. My husband held me as I cried and I muttered, “I don’t want to lose my babies.” Thankfully it never got worse and the spotting finally stopped about four pm, but that seemed like the longest day of my life. I never dealt with that with either of the boys and I know quite a few family members and friends who have miscarried and it just shook me up really bad. I am so beyond thankful that didn’t happen. Did you spot when you pregnant?

If we were meeting for coffee… I would tell you that I am beyond looking forward to 4th of July weekend. Hubby has four days off and not only are we going on a date that weekend for the first time in forever, we will be watching fireworks on the river this year and I am beyond stoked. We are also going shopping because I am need of clothes since everything is starting to get tight on me. I don’t really care for maternity pants, but I love maternity tops… any shops you recommend that sell cute maternity tops? Or any favorite store for maternity tops? It’s been so long since I’ve had to shop for maternity clothes that I don’t know what place has what anymore.

If we were meeting for coffee… I would tell you I miss caffeine something fierce and if you are drinking coffee, drink one for me. I’ve cut back a ton on my soda intake, I used to drink soda like crazy and now I have maybe once a day, otherwise I’m drinking water or my new favorite crystal light flavored water. What’s your favorite non caffeine drink? I would also tell you that this stage in pregnancy has never been my favorite. I’m at the “fat” stage. You can’t really tell if I might be pregnant or if I’m just gaining weight and when I sit down there isn’t a cute little bump, there is a nice roll of chunk. It’s annoying! I can’t wait to get to the actual bump stage.

If we were meeting for coffee… I would tell you my boys have been driving me CRAZY on the days we are stuck inside. Especially Kage, he has been whining and throwing fits like crazy. We are in the full swing of freighting fours and I’m about to lose my mind. I think it’s just my patience has gone down, pregnancy tends to do that to me, but I can’t take whining for no reason and I’m running out of options on what to do about it. Soooo… on that note, HELP! ;)

If we were meeting for coffee… I would tell you I miss having friends and I have a whole post about this topic coming soon. I would tell you I am chopping my hair off today and I am excited and nervous about it. I don’t have the energy to straighten my hair right now, it’s summer, and I normally just throw it up in a pony tail. I miss wearing it down, therefore, I’m cutting it short so it’s easier to deal with. Have you ever drastically cut your locks off? Did you wind up loving it or hating it?

If we were meeting for coffee… I would ask you, How are you? How’s the family? How is your summer going? Do you have any fun plans this summer or anything exciting coming up? It’s our first coffee date in awhile so… chat away in the comments! :)

Thanks for joining me for coffee! 

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Depression really does hurt

I remember when the discs in my back first herniated. I remember crying and crying a lot. I remember being scared and wondering what was going to happen next. It’s been nine months since I found out. Nine months of my life changing so drastically. It’s been nine months of not being able to give my boys piggy back rides. Nine months of not being able to pick them up and carry them when they ask me to. Nine months of not being able to run around and play with them for more than five minutes at a time. Nine months of not being able to spin them around and hear their laughter pierce the air. There has been too much of me telling them, “Honey, I can’t do that right now.” Or “Baby, we will play in a little bit.” I haven’t been able to work out and I’m starting to gain weight because of it, not a lot, but to me… it’s noticeable. I haven’t been able to clean without hurting. I can’t sit for too long and I can’t stand for too long. I have to sleep in one position in bed. My husband has held me while I’ve cried and rubbed my back when I just can’t move. Nine months of all of that and so much more. I kept telling myself it was okay. My life changed, but IT’S OKAY because I have so many blessings. I may be in pain and I may not be able to do everything I want to do, but God has blessed me in so many other ways throughout my 25 years of life so far. I told myself there was no way in hell I was going to slip into sadness or depression. There was no way in hell I was going to let myself sink.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Depression really does hurt

The thing about depression though, is that it’s like fog. It slowly starts to creep in. It’s small things at first that you may not even notice until more things start happening and then it hits you all at once and you just can’t believe it. I started noticing that I was tired a lot. Like, annoyingly tired and it was getting on my nerves. I noticed my emotions were weird. I either felt like flying off the handle or crying over nothing. I noticed my lack of appetite. Everything just seemed to be changing and then I found myself engulfed in it. I found myself not wanting to do anything. I didn’t want to blog. I didn’t want to read or write. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I wanted to stay in my PJs and curl up on the couch. I noticed that I had to force myself to clean. I had to force myself to get things ready for Jay’s birthday party. I had to force myself to go to the grocery store. I had to force myself to get ready for the day.

I’ve found myself just wanting to cry. I am fighting back tears several times a day. I feel an utter sadness. A sadness that just surrounds me and takes over. My life has changed and I don’t know if it will ever be back to normal. I don’t know if I will ever be myself again before the back pain started and I think that is what caused the depression, as well as not being able to do all the things I listed above. I have mini panic attacks when I think about the fact that I’m twenty five years old and I begin to wonder if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like. Monthly doctor visits, medicine, pain, having to fight through the pain to do the things I want to do. I wonder if this is how it’s going to be and it scares the living shit out of me. I never wanted to be depressed. I’m the type of person that looks for the Bright side of everything. Even when my back first got messed up, I was counting my blessings instead of being sad and now, I’m still counting them, but the pain of depression surrounds me right now.

Live.Laugh.L0ve. // Depression really does hurt

This life is hard. Much harder than I ever imagined. I know I’ll get through this. I know I’ll pull myself out of this mess whether my back gets fixed or not, it’s just going to take time and I’m trying. I know I’ve got the lord’s strength to help me. “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

I was talking to my best friend about this. I told her I feel like I’m failing at life right now. EVERYTHING is slipping through the cracks because of this depression. She informed that I was in fact “not failing and that life is hard and it took courage to seek help instead of ignore the problem.” I’m trying to believe her. When I told her that I was pissed off at myself for being depressed because there are worse things to be depressed about, she told me “that was bullshit. That people who have never been depressed use that as a cop-out.” She gave me encouraging words and I love her for that. She knew the right things to say and I love knowing she is here for me. Thank you Elle, from the bottom of my heart. To all of you who commented on my IG – thank you so much. All your words touched my heart and the out pouring of love and support has made me cry. I’m so thankful for each of you.

If I don’t blog as much or comment as much. If I seem distant or not myself. Just know I’m here and I’m just trying to pull myself out of this and get back to me.

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